Rest in Peace, Chan.

Yesterday I got home late at night from a wonderful and internetless day in Chicago and called my mom to ask her something dumb about how to pay my tolls belatedly because I'm bad at having cash. She told me one of my best friends from childhood had passed away the day before, and they didn't know exactly why. I had known she'd been in the hospital a couple of times over the last year for some kind of digestive disorder but had never dreamed it might be life-threatening, and from what I can tell from Facebook no one else did either.

For a long time I just sat on the other end of the phone completely unable to form words or thoughts, and then it sort of hit me and I spent the next hour and a half bawling and reading tributes to her on Facebook. I still don't really believe it, though.

Chantal Lenway was a spectacular person. I hadn't seen her in six years and we hadn't been close for a few years before that but she and her twin sister, Nicki, were my best friends in middle school and the beginning of high school. When I was a kid I was painfully shy and awkward and didn't have a lot of close friends at school. I started riding horses when I was nine and met Chan and Nicki almost immediately. They were blonde and beautiful and fun and funny and nice and they actually wanted to be my friends. I both idolized and loved them. We became close immediately because I shared their birthday and when you're nine that is an unbreakable bond. Essentially all of my favorite childhood memories revolve around these two. We explored every fair ground we went to together, often drove together on long car rides to shows singing and giggling incessantly and probably driving our mothers crazy, we stayed together for weeks at a time at the barn helping with chores and riding every day, we pretended to be prancing show horses and when we got older we lounged in hot tubs and saunas and gossiped after long days of actually showing. Chan was stiff competition in the show ring and an excellent friend outside of it. She taught me how to put on makeup and that clothes could look good on me. The three of us were the first people ever to get on Athena, who would eventually become my mom's horse. 

We grew apart after the barn disbanded. I started making more friends at school, probably because horses and the people I'd met through horses had made me so much more confident and comfortable than I'd ever felt before, and Chan and Nicki were always the type who had a million friends at their own high school. We'd see each other occasionally and we went to each others' graduation parties but since then we'd fallen out of touch. I kept up with what they were doing sometimes through Facebook and of course, we'd trade messages on our birthday, but that was about it. But somehow, though it had been years, I always assumed we'd see each other again. We'd have a barn reunion party or I'd come visit Minnesota for longer than a day and a half and we'd meet up for a drink or something. It hurts an incredible amount to know that won't happen now. I wish I'd kept in better contact. I wish I'd told her how much her and Nicki's friendship meant to me when I was young. 

What's worse is she was so young and full of life and love. Everyone, I mean every single person who met Chan just loved her instantly. Why is it always people like that who get taken away so soon? But most of all I worry for Nicki. I'd always envied them for being twins. For having a built-in best friend since Day 1. Now I cannot imagine what it's like to lose that person. I wish I could help but all I can do is send my condolences and pray for her and the rest of her family. They are all wonderful people and none of them deserves to go through this. I wish there was anything, anything at all I could do for them other than remembering and mourning Chan with them. But there isn't. All I can say is that Chan will always be a huge part of my childhood and a huge part of why I am who I am today. She will always be in my heart and the hearts of so, so many. Rest in peace, birthday buddy.

Greetings (and Realizations) from Vanuatu

Why hello, there! It's been a while since I've posted anything and I will probably post more specifically about my adventures in Vanuatu with my wonderful Brother and Sister-in-Law sometime soon but for now I have something on my mind and need to get it out somewhere (which is what this blog is supposed to be for, I guess).

This vacation was timed perfectly. I enjoy winter for December/January, the snow is pretty, the cold is novel, and especially this year playing with dogs in the snow every day kept it fun for longer. The huge blizzard and two snow days was a particularly nice touch this year. However, by February and March I am miserable (a lot of this has to do with forgetting about light therapy every year which I really should do) and I lose all motivation to do anything. This has been especially problematic this year as I spent those months waiting nervously for emails or real envelopes from graduate schools. After weeks and weeks of cold, even in my apartment, dark all the time, and stress every time I open my mailbox, check my email, or think about the future, I was starting to develop a kind of Stockholm Syndrome.

"Maybe I don't even want to go to graduate school." I would think. "That sounds scary and difficult. I would have to move far away where I don't know anyone, and Alexander and I would probably break up. That would be the worst thing. Maybe I should just stay in Madison where I know people and I know the city and I have jobs that are easy and I'm good at and Alexander can move here and I will just be warm and safe and not have to do anything scary ever. That sounds like a good life plan."

It was stupid. I knew it was stupid, but I couldn't stop feeling it. Not that I don't love my friends or Alexander and it is important to me to keep them, but I was in such a rut that it started to feel comfortable, I was tired all the time and wanted to spend any time not at work curled up in my bed or on the couch with my computer, doing nothing or sleeping.

Then I traveled. It had been a while since I'd traveled a significant distance, and it was stressful and scary at first (the delays and having to run all the way across LAX to catch a flight did not help). But then I remembered what it was like to be in a brand new place with brand new things, and I remembered what it's like when the sun is hot and I can see, smell, and swim in the sea. I remembered seeing new animals and new plants and meeting new people and learning new things and I experienced what Jason and Gaea's lives are like and I got my SCUBA certification and I climbed a volcano and I ate new food, used new money, and slept in a bamboo hut on a hammock. I spoke a new language and learned about a new culture and was hot and sweaty and tan and I walked places and I did things and I remembered what living is like.

And now I don't want to go back. I want to keep being hot and sweaty, for one thing, but even more than that I'm afraid of falling back into my rut and sleeping in it like it's a bed. I want to travel, I want to learn, I want to explore and experience and make new friends and be happy like I have been here. The problem is that a lot of that takes money, most of which I spent on getting here and enjoying myself here, so I'll have to make some more before I do any of this. So how do I keep this feeling going once I get home? How do I make sure I keep exploring even in Madison, doing new things, keeping myself happy, all while simultaneously saving up for my next big adventure? And what should my next big adventure be? Grad school? I'm feeling that it's less and less likely I'll be going next year. I got rejected from two Duke programs, I know for sure I don't want to go to Maryland anymore (the professors I wanted to work with have either retired or changed their focus since their online information was updated), and so that pretty much leaves Boston, which may be a great program but which I have mixed feelings about. I could definitely keep living in Madison and working where I work and apply again next time but with more knowledge of the best way to find and apply to schools, which was my plan before and I was fine with it. Or I could try to do something else. I would have to pay for most really cool-sounding biology internships, which I'm not sure I'm financially capable of right now but I could look into more. I could try to find a good program teaching English abroad, I could join the Peace Corps or try to find another SCA to do, or I could just save and save and travel in Europe next summer or go back to New Zealand or maybe Asia.

None of these precludes going to grad school next year necessarily, but they could. All of these significantly complicate my relationship with Alexander, as well as finding a living situation for however long I will still be in Madison.

What I really want to do is just pack some essentials in my carry-on and bolt at the airport in New Zealand tomorrow, travel around on the money I have in the bank and whatever odd jobs I can find, but that seems like the wrong way to go about things. It's going to be hard to convince myself of that tomorrow when I'm sitting in the airport of a country I've always wanted to go to for seven hours tomorrow. Almost enough time to explore but not quite, so I will just sit there staring at all the kiwi-flavored things in the gift shop and wondering what it's actually like out there.

But I'll go home to Wisconsin instead. I mostly wrote this as a reminder to myself that no matter how cozy it might feel when I go back, I want to do more, go more places, experience more than Madison has to offer. And I can do it. It's not really that scary once you start. You just have to go. And there's something to be said for working a day job somewhere and learning to cook and be an adult and having a real relationship where both partners are in the same city and saving some money. That's not a bad thing. As long as you remember that that's not all you want, as long as you keep finding new things to do in that city, new ways to get out of it, and remember that you will smack yourself in the face if you wake up in that same city in five years.

And with that, I am going to stop moping and worrying about the future. The sun, surf, and fruity tropical drinks are calling my name! I'm going to enjoy this last day in paradise.

2012 Retrospective and 2013 Resolutions

I kind of can't believe 2012 is over. It was probably one of the biggest years of my life. I moved to a new city, I lived alone for the first time, I got first one and then two amazing jobs. I learned a new sport, I broke a bone, I went to Boston and to Virginia, a whole lot of people I know got married (I was only there for one of them but let's not kid ourselves, it was the important one anyway). I kept a wonderful relationship going despite being in different places (physically and mentally). I made new friends but kept the old. I took the GREs and applied to graduate schools. I FINALLY saw my brother and Gaea again! I grew. A lot. I got better. I started this year out terrified and even a little depressed but I'm finishing it happy and hopeful and - I wouldn't quite say confident, there's still a lot of room to improve there and I intend to keep working on it in 2013, my stomach still ties in knots when I think about grad school and the future - but if not confident then maybe...capable. It's a good feeling. I can build on capable.

My usual New Year's resolutions are essentially the same ones I've been making since high school. Eat better, exercise more, be more confident, worry less, meditate, etc. etc. And I want to do all of those things, of course, but they're the sort of thing I think about all the time and it's good to recommit but none of them are the kind of thing I can just check off the list, they're all things that I've been slowly getting better (or worse, in the case of meditating and exercising) about but I will probably be trying to get even better at for most of my life. I need to come up with a couple of more tangible, interesting, and new resolutions. So here goes:

1) Actually start birding. I have a good bird book, I have binoculars, I want to hike and be out in nature, I should really start doing this. I heard Tundra Swans on Lake Mendota the other night, it's a good start.
2) Read at least three new books. I've been so busy with two jobs and grad school apps I haven't really sat down to read much and when I do it tends to be old favorites and not new ones and I often tend to fall asleep. I'm keeping it a low number on the off chance I start grad school in August and once again lose all time for reading.
3) Find some exercise fun thing to stick with. Last year I tried dance and yoga but neither of them stuck. I'm considering going back to martial arts but it starts at 6pm on weeknights which is often the time I'm just leaving work, so I'm not sure if I can manage it or not. I need to find something that I will keep doing, and preferably somewhere I can make some new friends.
4) Cook more. It doesn't even have to be new meals or complex meals all the time, I've finally in the last week stopped being quite so afraid of throwing random spices into things and seeing what happens. And you know what? It was tastey! I've also started actually looking at the recipes I've collected over the last year, and some of them are really easy. I can do this, it's time to start.

I have a lot more I want to work on, but I think for now four is good. Plus my old standbys of be healthier, be happier, be more confident and happy that I'm me. I've made leaps and bounds on most of these in the past year (I started out really well with exercising but towards the end of the year slacked off a lot). I'm really proud of the progress I've made in 2012 and hopeful about the progress I can make in 2013.  Thank you to all of you who made 2012 wonderful, and I wish everyone a happy and healthy 2013!

P.S. In 4 days I turn 24! How insane is that?

Graduate School and Growing Up

So let's see. When last we left our intrepid heroine, she was panicking about the GREs and whether or not grad school was a good idea. Sorry to have left you all hanging, although I see or at least talk to most of you on Facebook, so I'm pretty sure you're well aware of my progress since then. In case you are not: I absolutely rocked the verbal portion of the GREs, did reasonably well on the math and really quite well on the writing. I am maybe possibly nearly done with all of this application stuff. I have submitted applications to four programs at three universities. Biology and Evolutionary Anthropology at Duke University, Biology (concentration in Behavior, Ecology, Evolution, and Systematics) at University of Maryland, and Biology (concentration in Ecology, Behavior, and Evolution) at Boston University. These are all PhD programs. I'm considering adding a Master's program at University of Hawaii, but I'm sort of waffling back and forth on that one.

To be entirely honest, I'm frankly shocked that I have gotten here. I mean, I worked really hard, I have essentially been working three jobs for months, first studying for the GREs and then researching and applying to grad schools. Every step of the way I've waffled and debated "Is this what I want right now? Is this what I should be doing?". And I still have my doubts, but I also have my doubts about getting in to any of these places, anyway. I am not saying this in a humble or low self-esteem way, I just picked really amazing programs at really amazing schools because those are the ones I want to go to. If I don't get in maybe I will be more modest next year or maybe I will try to gain the test scores and experience they think I'm lacking before next year. I know a lot of brilliant people who took multiple tries to get to grad school and I'm trying to drill through my head that it isn't a bad thing.

And here's the thing. My future next year is coming down to this: either I get into grad school or I don't. If I get in I move to a new place (with or without Alexander, that is a whole different thing that is frustrating and not something I'm going to go into too much detail about here) I meet new people, I start the path to research and theoretically professordom down the road. Or I don't get in, I stay in Madison another year and keep working my two awesome jobs and make money and start earlier researching and talking to professors and apply again next year. Most likely (but still not certain) in this scenario Alexander moves to Madison too and we get at least one year of normal dating in before we start this whole "where am I going what am I doing what does that mean for us?" thing over again. Both of these plans are pretty awesome in their own ways, and I realize that.

But I'm doing that thing I do where I concentrate on the bad. I start thinking about how scary grad school is and how I have so many interests and what if I pick the wrong school and what if my advisor is terrible and what if I think I want to study fish but it turns out I hate it and what if Alexander doesn't come with me and what if and what if. And then I think "Well, maybe I won't even get in and then none of this will be a problem. I like where I am right now, Alexander would be much more comfortable moving to a place where he knows some people, I can keep playing with dogs and living within two blocks of a bunch of my friends and just chill out and be a person for a while." But then I won't have gotten into grad school! That would be terrible! And I'd have to stay in the Midwest for another year! And next year Alexander and I would have all the exact same conversations except by then he'd have roommates and a job and a life. So essentially, either way everything will be terrible. I realize I do this. I realize it is stupid. I just haven't quite figured out how to get it to stop yet.

Of course, I could always do something completely different. Maybe if I don't get in I'll just do another SCA internship or some other unpaid internship or travel or work on a cruise ship. I mean, probably not, but maybe.

The thing I've started to come to terms with in the last year, really just in the last few months, is that being an adult is not what happens when you figure everything out and stop feeling lost. Being an adult is feeling lost and working through it, dealing with it, starting with where you are and taking action to get to where you want to be and rolling with whatever happens in between. I'm still having a hard time convincing myself that no one really knows what they're doing. We're all just faking and doing our best and messing up and starting over and making the best choices we can. I've always assumed that there would come a time where I would think "Yes, I'm ready." Yes, I'm ready to have a pet, yes, I'm ready to go to grad school, yes, I'm ready to get married, or whatever. I would wake up one morning and have some crazy insight into life and know what to do and know where I was going and feel comfortable being in charge of my life and confident in my choices as I had always assumed my parents and aunts and uncles and even my older friends were. And maybe sometimes you do have something like that, but for the most part I have realized (but don't fully comprehend yet) everyone is just making it up as they go along. Which is oddly comforting but also just a little terrifying, too. But, I think I can do it at least as well as most of them.

So. Much. Work.

Hey, all! Sorry I haven't posted for a while. My life of late looks like this: go to Job #1, eat lunch while driving to Job #2, do Job #2, come home, eat dinner, study for GREs and/or research graduate schools, go to sleep, repeat until Saturday, visit Alexander in Beloit, then start again.

It's exhausting. I still don't feel ready for the GREs and while I have a couple of grad schools I'm very excited about, the majority all look pretty okay and I really don't know how to narrow it down. Plus, I'm still not sure I'll be able to apply for next year because time is running out and if I do poorly on the GREs that's kind of it. So I'm very very stressed out and by Thursdays I pretty much feel like crawling under the covers and sleeping for a week (the shortening days and increasing clouds are not helping, I feel winter depression creeping up on me. I need to get out of the Midwest).

So that was definitely the point I was at earlier tonight but I spent all evening watching Buffy and putting together my CV (I should have been in bed like two hours ago) and I'm feeling much better now. My CV actually looks pretty good, and pretty full. It looks like Beloit College and my internships and experiences have prepared me pretty well for grad school and there's a possibility I might just get in. I just hope they see it that way, too.

Of Weddings and Wonderful Friends

This past weekend I was lucky enough to attend a beautiful wedding in Virginia. My friends Tucker and Robyn, who have been together since their sophomore year of college (seven years now) were finally tying the knot. I've known Tucker for many years, but for the first several he was one of my brothers' friends who came over en masse sometimes and I viewed with a mixture of curiosity, annoyance, and fear. The summer before my junior year of high school my brother and I finally became friends and many of his friends became mine as well, including Tucker. He is the reason I knew about Beloit and has been an excellent friend to me for about seven years despite the fact that we only lived in the same place for one of those. I don't know Robyn nearly as well but I always wish I did because she is about 50 kinds of awesome. Their ceremony was sweet and beautiful and perfect and I cried like a baby which was incredibly embarrassing. 

The ceremony was fantastic but I have to say that my absolute favorite part came at the end. At the end of the reception line after I had hugged the couple and started crying again (ugh) I snuck away and called my brother in Vanuatu. I told him weeks ago the day and time so that he would be in a place on the island where he got reception and he called back right away. I told Tucker he had a phone call and he looked incredibly confused until he heard my brother's voice and then his face just lit up. It was adorable. He was probably the most excited I've ever seen him. I am still just so incredibly happy that it worked out so well. 

Besides the wedding itself, the weekend was an amazing chance to see a lot of friends from college. To be honest, I was pretty nervous before the trip. Most of these people I hadn't seen in years and while I care about all of them a lot I only got a year with them in college (with some, some of them were gone before I even got there) and I was a freshman so I am in some ways still slightly awestruck and awkward around them and surprised that they seemed to like me so much (definitely not how I felt about most freshmen when I was a senior). I was worried ahead of time that I would be quiet and nervous around them like back in freshman year and there were a couple of moments of that, I won't deny, but they all hugged me and gave me grad school and life advice and let me fall asleep using their chests as pillows and were just generally fantastic people. I had forgotten how much I missed all of them. Whenever I see them (and definitely in freshman year I felt this way) I wish I were three or four years older. Not that I don't love the friends I made in my grade but I really wish I had gotten to spend more time with that group of people. Although, I do really love the fact that there are people like Matt who I have literally only seen a maximum of four times now (counting the wedding) and who still greets me with an enormous hug and wants to talk about our lives and give me good advice as a recently accepted grad school student. It's really wonderful and I just want all of them to live in the same place (but not the midwest, because I have to get out!).

Being at the wedding and seeing all these people who are always just a little bit ahead of me in terms of life stuff made me think about the future a lot (although, what doesn't these days, honestly?). I have friends with spouses and houses and advanced degrees and real people jobs. I wonder how many of those I will have in four years. It's a bit like when I was walking home from dinner with Carly (another very lovely friend) tonight. I love looking in peoples' windows at night, not to see what they're doing or to be creepy, just to see into their lives for just a second and wonder what their lives are like, if they're happy. I wonder what my life would be like if I'd grown up in that house, if I lived in that house now, if I'll end up in a house like that. What things they have displayed prominently enough that a stranger who happens to glance in from the street would be able to see them, what is important to them. It's fascinating to me. I think I've probably mentioned this before but I think this ties into my view of my life as a Choose Your Own Adventure book. I have so many choices right now and I really wish I could cheat and look ahead a little bit to see which one gets me to the best ending. Of course, I can't, and that's not even how life works. I have this huge fear of having regrets in the future, which is just silly because I don't really have any now, so I don't know how I can be regretting things I haven't even done yet. But, it was really nice to see so many people doing so many different things. Some of them were doing what they always wanted to do, some of them were in a completely different place than they thought, and some of them had taken an unexpected path to get to a place where they are very happy. Of course, I only saw them for a couple of days and it was at a wedding so they seemed very happy, but I think they all are, more or less, in good places and happy with their lives even if they're different than they thought. At least, I really hope so, and not just because it makes me feel better about where my life may or may not go, but because they are all truly fabulous people who deserve to be extremely happy.

Movin' on Up to the East Side

Okay, so I'm not actually that much farther East than I was before, but a few blocks, anyway. I have now moved from my tiny studio to a gorgeous three bedroom with two lovely roommates! Our neighborhood is beautiful, our apartment is beautiful, we have an adorable cat and life is pretty good. We even have a couch, a huge kitchen where everything actually fits in the cupboards, and a dishwasher! Also, all hardwood floors. I feel much closer to a real adult.

Of course, I still haven't unpacked everything in my room, our living room is full of boxes, we haven't yet found a table (although Carly may give us hers, at least for a while), and there are some adjustments needed when moving from your own space to a shared one. I have been looking forward for months to living with other people but there is definitely going to be a transition period. I got very used to having everything exactly where I wanted it, whenever there was a mess it was my mess, whenever there was food it was my food, and I never felt the need to nag anyone. I liked all those things. But, I also like coming home and having people to talk to, having a kitty to play with, sharing chores, etc. And I'm sure I'll get more used to the rest of it. It's only been a week, afterall.

Yesterday I finally finished cleaning my old apartment. I spent at least three, maybe three and a half hours cleaning up after I moved out, which doesn't sound like a long time except that my old apartment was one room and a big bathroom. I wiped and scrubbed and vacuumed and I really hope it's enough for me to get my whole deposit back. It's a fairly old place and there were some stains I couldn't get out and knew I didn't cause, some rips and holes that were there when I moved in, etc. and since I was subletting, it's up to my subleasor how much of my half of the deposit I get back, which is worrisome. She seemed like a very nice girl, and everything, but I still feel that it would be fairly easy for me to get screwed over in this deal. Then there's the part where I lost the extra key. I mean, I didn't really. When Alexander was visiting I gave it to him, he set it down somewhere in the apartment (I watched him do this, I was almost positive he put it on the desk) and then neither of us could find it ever again. It never left the apartment but I searched through everything when I was packing and it was nowhere to be found. So. There's that. I'm not sure how much they charge for a lost key. At my new place they gave me a handy little sheet telling us how much they charge for anything that needs repair or cleaning after you left and a key is only $10 but you never know what they might do at the old place and I'm getting nervous.

Moving on, polo season is almost over! Sad. But we've got a few more big games before it is. This weekend I'll be in Sioux Falls, SD, next weekend we'll be in Peoria, and the weekend after that a couple of teams might be coming here. After that it should peter out and we'll probably just be practicing and playing games here, maybe travelling a very little bit. We haven't been travelling as much as I expected anyway, but it's been a really fun (if stressful) summer. These next two weekends are actually the only times we'll be staying in hotels, which will be interesting.

I think I mentioned in my last post that the other girl I work with is nice and everything but we never really clicked, never seemed to have much in common and things are usually at least a little strained between us and I couldn't put my finger on why. I think there are two reasons that can be summed up in two sentences I have recently heard her utter. The first was something along the lines of "it's not like I'm an environmentalist" when talking about throwing beer cans in a lake which just hurt my soul and made me respect her a little less but didn't make me feel like we could never ever get along, and the second was much more recently "I hate reading". "Ah." I thought "Well, that's that, then." Not that all of my friends have to be book nerds (although at least 99% of them are) but I don't think anyone I really enjoy spending time with would ever say "I hate reading". It's not so much a dealbreaker as an explanation for why things have always been weird. On some fundamental level I cannot be compatible with someone who would say that. If you met my mom, you would understand. Well, actually, if you're reading this I'm fairly sure you do understand.

Oh oh oh! I cannot believe I didn't mention this before! My horse is here at last! He got here on the same day I was moving! He didn't get here until after midnight (and I had been up since 6:30, packing and moving and unpacking and hanging out with people on very little sleep for two days, so I was exhausted) but he was in good shape, if a little confused. I saw him the next day and he seemed much happier to see me. He followed me around the arena and stood still while I groomed him (which he rarely does). I've seen him twice more since then and he's been good. He lives about 10 minutes from the barn where I work and this is the first time in five years that he's been close enough for me to see on a regular basis, and the first time ever ever he has been on the way to something else I need to go to so it is incredibly convenient to see him.

He was very sweaty the other day, may not be quite used to the heat here since I think it might not have gotten as hot in MN as it has been here in WI, but he was out in the pasture with the other horses (they introduce them slowly, which I appreciate), didn't seem too dinged up, and other horses were even following him around! This is really exciting because Larkie is almost always on the bottom of the totem pole in the pasture. It's just his personality, I guess, and it's not bad it just makes me anxious about introducing him to new horses because he might get beat up a little more (although he seems to understand his social rank, so he'll probably submit pretty quickly). But other horses were following him around (and it didn't look like chasing, which happened at his old barn) so maybe Lark is moving up in the world, too!

And now I should go. I have to go to work soon, but first it is rainy and chilly and this adorable grey cat (whose name is Bergamont, Monty for short) is curled up next to me on the couch looking incredibly cute. It is sort of ridiculous how nice it is to have a cat on a rainy day.