I know I talk a lot on this blog about the bad things, the things I am worried about and the problems in my life and the "oh god oh god what am I going to do, what if everything is terrible forever" etc. etc. But I am trying to get better at looking on the bright side and being thankful for what I have, which is a lot, actually. And since that is what this holiday is all about (well, that and eating and historical inaccuracy and cruelty to an indigenous culture, etc), here goes:
I am most thankful, of course, for my friends, boyfriend, and family. I'm thankful for having a place to live, and a place to fall back on in case I can't find a new place to live. I'm thankful for having a source of income, even if it's not ideal, and for having parents who are willing to help me out if I get into trouble. I'm thankful that my parents are here with me today and that I'll get to see them in Chicago this weekend. I'm thankful that my friends are willing to help me, too. I'm thankful that I have food and clothes and a warm place to sleep. I'm thankful that I'm alive and healthy and live in a comparatively free country. I'm thankful for the travel and internship experiences I've had, for my degree from a fantastic college, and all the great times I've had there. I'm thankful for so many things I could probably not list them all here, but just one more, before I go. I'm thankful that I am not going anywhere near a store on Black Friday.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Decisions, decisions
Well, the job is going pretty well so far. Sam, you were actually not far off. I do get to wear a lab coat and I do look contemplatively at tubes although they're slightly different from test tubes, they're special cheese-fat-measuring-tube-things. The only real problem is the commute which is long. Not unbearable, just...longer than I want to do twice a day every day for the next six months.
They did offer me a real job. About six days after I started work. I dithered and went back and forth and finally told them the truth - that in January my lease is up and I don't know where I'm moving (but it's sure as hell not going to be into Monroe so I can work at a cheese lab) and I need some time to figure it out. They accepted it and haven't bothered me since.
So here is the dilemma. Do I do the "responsible" thing and move to somewhere else in Beloit, keep commuting forever and a half and working at this place for the next six months? I mean, steady work is nice and all...but the commute is awful, plus it's a six month contract-to-hire thing with my recruitment agency which I hear as a six month commitment but I think the company hears as a much much longer one. The woman who was trying to convince me to take it was saying "And there's such job security! We're going to be here for a long long time. You could work here for years and years." which is the kind of talk that makes me want to jump out of a window and run screaming into the hills.
It's funny, I've never been a commitment-phobe when it comes to relationships. Quite the opposite, actually. But I'm terrified by the thought of binding myself to one job or even one place for more than four months. What if I hate it? What if it's awful? What if The One (Job) comes along while I'm in the middle of a committed contract and I can't quit to follow my dreams?
This leads me into a whole separate problem that I'm having right now where I am not feeling at all ambitious about jobs or grad school and mostly all I want to do is hang out with friends and be near Alexander (see that lack of commitment phobia right there?) which makes me feel a bit like a failure and a lot like I might end up wasting my life and never doing anything, but I digress.
I don't like the uncertainty of never knowing what's coming next, I'm sick of filling out job applications and worrying about how to find, get, and finance apartments, but the minute I'm offered a nine month lease or a six month job I balk and want to run. What if I want to go back into the SCA? What if the living situation doesn't work out a couple months in but then we're locked in and get miserable? What if I finally get my ambition back or enough money to travel and I can't because of a decision I made months ago? What if, what if, what if?
Also, where am I going to make this commitment? Currently it seems like a choice between Madison and Beloit, because those are the places with the most friends and I could either keep this job and stay in Beloit or see if my recruiting company can get me one in Madison and/or my mad connections to coffee shops, computer software companies, etc. Beloit is a little bit more of a safety bubble, not only is it familiar but it has a convenient nearby boyfriend which I really appreciate. Not that Madison is far enough to be awful, just slightly less convenient and it will change things somewhat which I am always afraid of. But I drive about the same distance from Madison to Beloit every day right now for my job, so driving it on weekends or even weeknights to be able to see Alexander really shouldn't be a problem or a reason to stay in Beloit where I feel a little bit weird about how not weird it is for me to hang out on campus all the time. I might need to move on.
Or, reapply to the study abroad internship that I didn't get for this year, because there is an opening for it for next semester and then I would have a reason to stay in Beloit and be on campus.
But on the side of commitment, there is my horse. I adore Lark. I've had him for almost twelve years and for the last four I have been far enough away from him that I routinely didn't see him for months on end. It sucks. I feel like others think it's strange the way I miss my horse but he's been an incredibly important part of my life for a very long time now, and I miss living close enough to see him every week. This weekend I drove home to Minnesota, let's be honest, mostly to see him. Not that I don't miss my parents or my friends but I can talk to them on the phone. If I committed to living in Madison, having a job in Madison, or even in Beloit, I might be able to move him to Wisconsin so I can see him on a regular basis. It's not worth it to move him (he really is happy living with the friends of ours that are keeping him right now. He's in good shape, he has a herd, etc) if I don't know how long I'll be there. If I'm going to go jetting off to Europe, Australia, or just the west coast again, then I can't justify moving him if we're just going to have to do it again. I don't want to feel like I can't do what I want because of my horse, but also he's 22. he's in really really good condition, but he's getting a little up there and I don't know how much longer I'll have to spend time with him and I miss it. I miss it so much. I hate that every time I see him now the fun is tempered with guilt and not knowing when the next time I'll get to see him is.
So what do I do? I'm looking at a couple of apartments in Madison this week (one tonight, probably). I'm going to talk to my recruitment agency about getting me something in Madison. It might not be a bad thing to settle and live in one place for a while. Make a little money, work on paying off my student loans and figuring out what I want to do. I don't want to go rushing off to grad school and even most of the wildlife job postings I see don't seem *that* amazing, except for the ones that you have to pay to do. Maybe I could make a goal for myself and at the end of that time/when I get that amount of money I'll go off on one of these internships where you pay to go to Africa and for your room and board there but then get to study elephants for a couple of months or something. Maybe that's a good compromise. I keep comparing myself to those of my friends that are off in cool places doing cool things but I realize that many of them did uncool things first. My brother lived and worked a normal job (granted, one he really liked, but still) for several years in Minneapolis before he joined the Peace Corps. I caught myself thinking about someone I knew yesterday "Man, they are doing something so cool! Why don't I ever do anything cool?" Then I remembered that about a month ago I got back from studying tortoises in the Mojave Desert. Sometimes my perceptions are a bit skewed.
I know I don't have to do everything all at once right now (although it does feel like that) but I also worry that if I don't I will never do them. Maybe I just have to promise myself that I will, but first I have to work and live for a while, and trust that I will keep my promises. I met a woman yesterday who was in her 50s or 60s and told me about the five promises she made to herself when she was 16. She has kept three so far and is actively pursuing the last two. I think this is a little crazy because I have already changed a lot from the time I was 16, and I happen to think that's a good thing, but still, it's an interesting concept to consider. Perhaps I will work on some goals, with the caveat that I can replace them if I think they no longer reflect my wishes in several years or something? I don't know. I will think about it.
Sorry this has been crazy long. I will perhaps try to post more frequently and in smaller blocks of text.
They did offer me a real job. About six days after I started work. I dithered and went back and forth and finally told them the truth - that in January my lease is up and I don't know where I'm moving (but it's sure as hell not going to be into Monroe so I can work at a cheese lab) and I need some time to figure it out. They accepted it and haven't bothered me since.
So here is the dilemma. Do I do the "responsible" thing and move to somewhere else in Beloit, keep commuting forever and a half and working at this place for the next six months? I mean, steady work is nice and all...but the commute is awful, plus it's a six month contract-to-hire thing with my recruitment agency which I hear as a six month commitment but I think the company hears as a much much longer one. The woman who was trying to convince me to take it was saying "And there's such job security! We're going to be here for a long long time. You could work here for years and years." which is the kind of talk that makes me want to jump out of a window and run screaming into the hills.
It's funny, I've never been a commitment-phobe when it comes to relationships. Quite the opposite, actually. But I'm terrified by the thought of binding myself to one job or even one place for more than four months. What if I hate it? What if it's awful? What if The One (Job) comes along while I'm in the middle of a committed contract and I can't quit to follow my dreams?
This leads me into a whole separate problem that I'm having right now where I am not feeling at all ambitious about jobs or grad school and mostly all I want to do is hang out with friends and be near Alexander (see that lack of commitment phobia right there?) which makes me feel a bit like a failure and a lot like I might end up wasting my life and never doing anything, but I digress.
I don't like the uncertainty of never knowing what's coming next, I'm sick of filling out job applications and worrying about how to find, get, and finance apartments, but the minute I'm offered a nine month lease or a six month job I balk and want to run. What if I want to go back into the SCA? What if the living situation doesn't work out a couple months in but then we're locked in and get miserable? What if I finally get my ambition back or enough money to travel and I can't because of a decision I made months ago? What if, what if, what if?
Also, where am I going to make this commitment? Currently it seems like a choice between Madison and Beloit, because those are the places with the most friends and I could either keep this job and stay in Beloit or see if my recruiting company can get me one in Madison and/or my mad connections to coffee shops, computer software companies, etc. Beloit is a little bit more of a safety bubble, not only is it familiar but it has a convenient nearby boyfriend which I really appreciate. Not that Madison is far enough to be awful, just slightly less convenient and it will change things somewhat which I am always afraid of. But I drive about the same distance from Madison to Beloit every day right now for my job, so driving it on weekends or even weeknights to be able to see Alexander really shouldn't be a problem or a reason to stay in Beloit where I feel a little bit weird about how not weird it is for me to hang out on campus all the time. I might need to move on.
Or, reapply to the study abroad internship that I didn't get for this year, because there is an opening for it for next semester and then I would have a reason to stay in Beloit and be on campus.
But on the side of commitment, there is my horse. I adore Lark. I've had him for almost twelve years and for the last four I have been far enough away from him that I routinely didn't see him for months on end. It sucks. I feel like others think it's strange the way I miss my horse but he's been an incredibly important part of my life for a very long time now, and I miss living close enough to see him every week. This weekend I drove home to Minnesota, let's be honest, mostly to see him. Not that I don't miss my parents or my friends but I can talk to them on the phone. If I committed to living in Madison, having a job in Madison, or even in Beloit, I might be able to move him to Wisconsin so I can see him on a regular basis. It's not worth it to move him (he really is happy living with the friends of ours that are keeping him right now. He's in good shape, he has a herd, etc) if I don't know how long I'll be there. If I'm going to go jetting off to Europe, Australia, or just the west coast again, then I can't justify moving him if we're just going to have to do it again. I don't want to feel like I can't do what I want because of my horse, but also he's 22. he's in really really good condition, but he's getting a little up there and I don't know how much longer I'll have to spend time with him and I miss it. I miss it so much. I hate that every time I see him now the fun is tempered with guilt and not knowing when the next time I'll get to see him is.
So what do I do? I'm looking at a couple of apartments in Madison this week (one tonight, probably). I'm going to talk to my recruitment agency about getting me something in Madison. It might not be a bad thing to settle and live in one place for a while. Make a little money, work on paying off my student loans and figuring out what I want to do. I don't want to go rushing off to grad school and even most of the wildlife job postings I see don't seem *that* amazing, except for the ones that you have to pay to do. Maybe I could make a goal for myself and at the end of that time/when I get that amount of money I'll go off on one of these internships where you pay to go to Africa and for your room and board there but then get to study elephants for a couple of months or something. Maybe that's a good compromise. I keep comparing myself to those of my friends that are off in cool places doing cool things but I realize that many of them did uncool things first. My brother lived and worked a normal job (granted, one he really liked, but still) for several years in Minneapolis before he joined the Peace Corps. I caught myself thinking about someone I knew yesterday "Man, they are doing something so cool! Why don't I ever do anything cool?" Then I remembered that about a month ago I got back from studying tortoises in the Mojave Desert. Sometimes my perceptions are a bit skewed.
I know I don't have to do everything all at once right now (although it does feel like that) but I also worry that if I don't I will never do them. Maybe I just have to promise myself that I will, but first I have to work and live for a while, and trust that I will keep my promises. I met a woman yesterday who was in her 50s or 60s and told me about the five promises she made to herself when she was 16. She has kept three so far and is actively pursuing the last two. I think this is a little crazy because I have already changed a lot from the time I was 16, and I happen to think that's a good thing, but still, it's an interesting concept to consider. Perhaps I will work on some goals, with the caveat that I can replace them if I think they no longer reflect my wishes in several years or something? I don't know. I will think about it.
Sorry this has been crazy long. I will perhaps try to post more frequently and in smaller blocks of text.
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