So let's see. When last we left our intrepid heroine, she was panicking about the GREs and whether or not grad school was a good idea. Sorry to have left you all hanging, although I see or at least talk to most of you on Facebook, so I'm pretty sure you're well aware of my progress since then. In case you are not: I absolutely rocked the verbal portion of the GREs, did reasonably well on the math and really quite well on the writing. I am maybe possibly nearly done with all of this application stuff. I have submitted applications to four programs at three universities. Biology and Evolutionary Anthropology at Duke University, Biology (concentration in Behavior, Ecology, Evolution, and Systematics) at University of Maryland, and Biology (concentration in Ecology, Behavior, and Evolution) at Boston University. These are all PhD programs. I'm considering adding a Master's program at University of Hawaii, but I'm sort of waffling back and forth on that one.
To be entirely honest, I'm frankly shocked that I have gotten here. I mean, I worked really hard, I have essentially been working three jobs for months, first studying for the GREs and then researching and applying to grad schools. Every step of the way I've waffled and debated "Is this what I want right now? Is this what I should be doing?". And I still have my doubts, but I also have my doubts about getting in to any of these places, anyway. I am not saying this in a humble or low self-esteem way, I just picked really amazing programs at really amazing schools because those are the ones I want to go to. If I don't get in maybe I will be more modest next year or maybe I will try to gain the test scores and experience they think I'm lacking before next year. I know a lot of brilliant people who took multiple tries to get to grad school and I'm trying to drill through my head that it isn't a bad thing.
And here's the thing. My future next year is coming down to this: either I get into grad school or I don't. If I get in I move to a new place (with or without Alexander, that is a whole different thing that is frustrating and not something I'm going to go into too much detail about here) I meet new people, I start the path to research and theoretically professordom down the road. Or I don't get in, I stay in Madison another year and keep working my two awesome jobs and make money and start earlier researching and talking to professors and apply again next year. Most likely (but still not certain) in this scenario Alexander moves to Madison too and we get at least one year of normal dating in before we start this whole "where am I going what am I doing what does that mean for us?" thing over again. Both of these plans are pretty awesome in their own ways, and I realize that.
But I'm doing that thing I do where I concentrate on the bad. I start thinking about how scary grad school is and how I have so many interests and what if I pick the wrong school and what if my advisor is terrible and what if I think I want to study fish but it turns out I hate it and what if Alexander doesn't come with me and what if and what if. And then I think "Well, maybe I won't even get in and then none of this will be a problem. I like where I am right now, Alexander would be much more comfortable moving to a place where he knows some people, I can keep playing with dogs and living within two blocks of a bunch of my friends and just chill out and be a person for a while." But then I won't have gotten into grad school! That would be terrible! And I'd have to stay in the Midwest for another year! And next year Alexander and I would have all the exact same conversations except by then he'd have roommates and a job and a life. So essentially, either way everything will be terrible. I realize I do this. I realize it is stupid. I just haven't quite figured out how to get it to stop yet.
Of course, I could always do something completely different. Maybe if I don't get in I'll just do another SCA internship or some other unpaid internship or travel or work on a cruise ship. I mean, probably not, but maybe.
The thing I've started to come to terms with in the last year, really just in the last few months, is that being an adult is not what happens when you figure everything out and stop feeling lost. Being an adult is feeling lost and working through it, dealing with it, starting with where you are and taking action to get to where you want to be and rolling with whatever happens in between. I'm still having a hard time convincing myself that no one really knows what they're doing. We're all just faking and doing our best and messing up and starting over and making the best choices we can. I've always assumed that there would come a time where I would think "Yes, I'm ready." Yes, I'm ready to have a pet, yes, I'm ready to go to grad school, yes, I'm ready to get married, or whatever. I would wake up one morning and have some crazy insight into life and know what to do and know where I was going and feel comfortable being in charge of my life and confident in my choices as I had always assumed my parents and aunts and uncles and even my older friends were. And maybe sometimes you do have something like that, but for the most part I have realized (but don't fully comprehend yet) everyone is just making it up as they go along. Which is oddly comforting but also just a little terrifying, too. But, I think I can do it at least as well as most of them.
