Why hello, there! It's been a while since I've posted anything and I will probably post more specifically about my adventures in Vanuatu with my wonderful Brother and Sister-in-Law sometime soon but for now I have something on my mind and need to get it out somewhere (which is what this blog is supposed to be for, I guess).
This vacation was timed perfectly. I enjoy winter for December/January, the snow is pretty, the cold is novel, and especially this year playing with dogs in the snow every day kept it fun for longer. The huge blizzard and two snow days was a particularly nice touch this year. However, by February and March I am miserable (a lot of this has to do with forgetting about light therapy every year which I really should do) and I lose all motivation to do anything. This has been especially problematic this year as I spent those months waiting nervously for emails or real envelopes from graduate schools. After weeks and weeks of cold, even in my apartment, dark all the time, and stress every time I open my mailbox, check my email, or think about the future, I was starting to develop a kind of Stockholm Syndrome.
"Maybe I don't even want to go to graduate school." I would think. "That sounds scary and difficult. I would have to move far away where I don't know anyone, and Alexander and I would probably break up. That would be the worst thing. Maybe I should just stay in Madison where I know people and I know the city and I have jobs that are easy and I'm good at and Alexander can move here and I will just be warm and safe and not have to do anything scary ever. That sounds like a good life plan."
It was stupid. I knew it was stupid, but I couldn't stop feeling it. Not that I don't love my friends or Alexander and it is important to me to keep them, but I was in such a rut that it started to feel comfortable, I was tired all the time and wanted to spend any time not at work curled up in my bed or on the couch with my computer, doing nothing or sleeping.
Then I traveled. It had been a while since I'd traveled a significant distance, and it was stressful and scary at first (the delays and having to run all the way across LAX to catch a flight did not help). But then I remembered what it was like to be in a brand new place with brand new things, and I remembered what it's like when the sun is hot and I can see, smell, and swim in the sea. I remembered seeing new animals and new plants and meeting new people and learning new things and I experienced what Jason and Gaea's lives are like and I got my SCUBA certification and I climbed a volcano and I ate new food, used new money, and slept in a bamboo hut on a hammock. I spoke a new language and learned about a new culture and was hot and sweaty and tan and I walked places and I did things and I remembered what living is like.
And now I don't want to go back. I want to keep being hot and sweaty, for one thing, but even more than that I'm afraid of falling back into my rut and sleeping in it like it's a bed. I want to travel, I want to learn, I want to explore and experience and make new friends and be happy like I have been here. The problem is that a lot of that takes money, most of which I spent on getting here and enjoying myself here, so I'll have to make some more before I do any of this. So how do I keep this feeling going once I get home? How do I make sure I keep exploring even in Madison, doing new things, keeping myself happy, all while simultaneously saving up for my next big adventure? And what should my next big adventure be? Grad school? I'm feeling that it's less and less likely I'll be going next year. I got rejected from two Duke programs, I know for sure I don't want to go to Maryland anymore (the professors I wanted to work with have either retired or changed their focus since their online information was updated), and so that pretty much leaves Boston, which may be a great program but which I have mixed feelings about. I could definitely keep living in Madison and working where I work and apply again next time but with more knowledge of the best way to find and apply to schools, which was my plan before and I was fine with it. Or I could try to do something else. I would have to pay for most really cool-sounding biology internships, which I'm not sure I'm financially capable of right now but I could look into more. I could try to find a good program teaching English abroad, I could join the Peace Corps or try to find another SCA to do, or I could just save and save and travel in Europe next summer or go back to New Zealand or maybe Asia.
None of these precludes going to grad school next year necessarily, but they could. All of these significantly complicate my relationship with Alexander, as well as finding a living situation for however long I will still be in Madison.
What I really want to do is just pack some essentials in my carry-on and bolt at the airport in New Zealand tomorrow, travel around on the money I have in the bank and whatever odd jobs I can find, but that seems like the wrong way to go about things. It's going to be hard to convince myself of that tomorrow when I'm sitting in the airport of a country I've always wanted to go to for seven hours tomorrow. Almost enough time to explore but not quite, so I will just sit there staring at all the kiwi-flavored things in the gift shop and wondering what it's actually like out there.
But I'll go home to Wisconsin instead. I mostly wrote this as a reminder to myself that no matter how cozy it might feel when I go back, I want to do more, go more places, experience more than Madison has to offer. And I can do it. It's not really that scary once you start. You just have to go. And there's something to be said for working a day job somewhere and learning to cook and be an adult and having a real relationship where both partners are in the same city and saving some money. That's not a bad thing. As long as you remember that that's not all you want, as long as you keep finding new things to do in that city, new ways to get out of it, and remember that you will smack yourself in the face if you wake up in that same city in five years.
And with that, I am going to stop moping and worrying about the future. The sun, surf, and fruity tropical drinks are calling my name! I'm going to enjoy this last day in paradise.
