Happy holidays, everyone! In case you didn't hear, I got the efficiency apartment I was looking at in Madison! I sign the lease on Friday and move in on Sunday. If you ever want to make the holidays very easy on your family, just decide to move into your first apartment where you can't just use everyone else's kitchen stuff right after Christmas! I got basically an entire kitchen for Christmas, which means that I will actually have to learn to cook, which is one of those things I always tell myself I will do but then always find ways to get out of it. I have a lot of these: writing, doing crafty things, etc. and I'm really hoping that living on my own will help encourage me to start doing these things instead of to sit alone in my bed reading Cracked articles or just constantly going to other peoples' places instead of being home alone.
I have this fear of being alone. I think a lot of people do. It's a problem. I don't like it. Often, I find I can enjoy being by myself, but my first instinct is to never let that happen. If I have the choice I will be with other people almost constantly (until I can't stand it anymore and *have* to be alone, but that's usually only for a night or so), but I've decided recently that that is pretty unhealthy. Especially since when I am with other people I usually try to make them happy before myself, being a polite midwesterner and all. Now is the time in life where I'm supposed to get to know myself, be a little selfish and make myself happy, figure out what it is I want, etc, so that I am a whole and complete person by the time I decide to marry someone or whatever. I know this all sounds a little hokey, but I feel that it's important for me to feel comfortable being on my own. I'm starting small, afterall, alone in a small and somewhat familiar city close to lots of friends and not too far away from more friends and boyfriend, not even *that* far from home, but a start nonetheless. I hope to spend lots of time with my friends, of course, but I also want to become comfortable being at home with myself, not feel like I have to frantically run around finding other things to do but just be alone, you know? I want to start cooking and writing on a regular basis. I want to do crafts. I want to do a lot of things. I might hate living alone, and maybe in August I can find others to move in with (as was the plan but now I have no idea what's happening with that) but I think it's an important experiment for me to run.
To that end, I celebrated Solstice all by myself. I really love the idea of celebrating Solstice, because I hate the dark and sadness of the winter, so celebrating the last day of it getting darker is perfect. My favorite part about any winter holiday is the lights and the idea of making a dreary, cold, hostile season warm and bright and friendly. If I were at home for Solstice I would probably have gone over to Gaea's dad's house where they have a fun celebration (although I wouldn't know anyone since Jason and Gaea left) and they write down things they want to let go of from the past year and burn them and things they want to keep for the new year and keep them. I really love this tradition and I was thinking of having a party of my own this year but alas, Solstice fell the day after everyone had to be out of the dorms and the day my roommate left for Texas. So I was alone. My first instinct upon being alone is to turn on the TV or a movie so it feels like I'm not alone and then stay in and do that all night. Instead, I finished my Christmas shopping and then drove down to Rockford to go to something I'd heard about on the radio called the Miracle of Lights or something like that. It was a road through a public park where various companies from the area had made seasonal light displays on either side of the road for miles. It was a little silly and kitschy but it was fun. Then I went home and I did my little ceremony, writing things to keep and things to let go of. They were quite ambitious for this year, but I think I can do it. Then I read and enjoyed the lights in our living room. It was a lovely night.
My last day at work was lovely, too. I got cards and a hunk of cheese and the coworker who hates me was nicer than she ever had been since my very first day with her. This leads me to believe that possibly she is a good fairy/guardian angel type who made my life awful because she realized I wasn't supposed to be working there and in the long run it would get me stuck in a rut and be very bad, so the only way she could get me to quit would be to make it unbearable for me to stay. Preposterous? Maybe, but as I like to think the best of people this is what I'll decide for now.
Now I am home and it's been very nice. I thought almost a week at home would be a lot but it's looking like I probably won't get to see everyone, which is sad. But I'm enjoying quality time with the parents and in a little while I'm going to go downtown to see Kathleen, which will be lots of fun. Also, it is Monday and I'm not at work. I actually woke up in the middle of the night last night and almost leaped out of bed thinking "Oh my god, I have to get to work!" Then I realized where I was and that I'd quit and I went back to sleep. It was glorious.
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