Rest in Peace, Chan.

Yesterday I got home late at night from a wonderful and internetless day in Chicago and called my mom to ask her something dumb about how to pay my tolls belatedly because I'm bad at having cash. She told me one of my best friends from childhood had passed away the day before, and they didn't know exactly why. I had known she'd been in the hospital a couple of times over the last year for some kind of digestive disorder but had never dreamed it might be life-threatening, and from what I can tell from Facebook no one else did either.

For a long time I just sat on the other end of the phone completely unable to form words or thoughts, and then it sort of hit me and I spent the next hour and a half bawling and reading tributes to her on Facebook. I still don't really believe it, though.

Chantal Lenway was a spectacular person. I hadn't seen her in six years and we hadn't been close for a few years before that but she and her twin sister, Nicki, were my best friends in middle school and the beginning of high school. When I was a kid I was painfully shy and awkward and didn't have a lot of close friends at school. I started riding horses when I was nine and met Chan and Nicki almost immediately. They were blonde and beautiful and fun and funny and nice and they actually wanted to be my friends. I both idolized and loved them. We became close immediately because I shared their birthday and when you're nine that is an unbreakable bond. Essentially all of my favorite childhood memories revolve around these two. We explored every fair ground we went to together, often drove together on long car rides to shows singing and giggling incessantly and probably driving our mothers crazy, we stayed together for weeks at a time at the barn helping with chores and riding every day, we pretended to be prancing show horses and when we got older we lounged in hot tubs and saunas and gossiped after long days of actually showing. Chan was stiff competition in the show ring and an excellent friend outside of it. She taught me how to put on makeup and that clothes could look good on me. The three of us were the first people ever to get on Athena, who would eventually become my mom's horse. 

We grew apart after the barn disbanded. I started making more friends at school, probably because horses and the people I'd met through horses had made me so much more confident and comfortable than I'd ever felt before, and Chan and Nicki were always the type who had a million friends at their own high school. We'd see each other occasionally and we went to each others' graduation parties but since then we'd fallen out of touch. I kept up with what they were doing sometimes through Facebook and of course, we'd trade messages on our birthday, but that was about it. But somehow, though it had been years, I always assumed we'd see each other again. We'd have a barn reunion party or I'd come visit Minnesota for longer than a day and a half and we'd meet up for a drink or something. It hurts an incredible amount to know that won't happen now. I wish I'd kept in better contact. I wish I'd told her how much her and Nicki's friendship meant to me when I was young. 

What's worse is she was so young and full of life and love. Everyone, I mean every single person who met Chan just loved her instantly. Why is it always people like that who get taken away so soon? But most of all I worry for Nicki. I'd always envied them for being twins. For having a built-in best friend since Day 1. Now I cannot imagine what it's like to lose that person. I wish I could help but all I can do is send my condolences and pray for her and the rest of her family. They are all wonderful people and none of them deserves to go through this. I wish there was anything, anything at all I could do for them other than remembering and mourning Chan with them. But there isn't. All I can say is that Chan will always be a huge part of my childhood and a huge part of why I am who I am today. She will always be in my heart and the hearts of so, so many. Rest in peace, birthday buddy.

Greetings (and Realizations) from Vanuatu

Why hello, there! It's been a while since I've posted anything and I will probably post more specifically about my adventures in Vanuatu with my wonderful Brother and Sister-in-Law sometime soon but for now I have something on my mind and need to get it out somewhere (which is what this blog is supposed to be for, I guess).

This vacation was timed perfectly. I enjoy winter for December/January, the snow is pretty, the cold is novel, and especially this year playing with dogs in the snow every day kept it fun for longer. The huge blizzard and two snow days was a particularly nice touch this year. However, by February and March I am miserable (a lot of this has to do with forgetting about light therapy every year which I really should do) and I lose all motivation to do anything. This has been especially problematic this year as I spent those months waiting nervously for emails or real envelopes from graduate schools. After weeks and weeks of cold, even in my apartment, dark all the time, and stress every time I open my mailbox, check my email, or think about the future, I was starting to develop a kind of Stockholm Syndrome.

"Maybe I don't even want to go to graduate school." I would think. "That sounds scary and difficult. I would have to move far away where I don't know anyone, and Alexander and I would probably break up. That would be the worst thing. Maybe I should just stay in Madison where I know people and I know the city and I have jobs that are easy and I'm good at and Alexander can move here and I will just be warm and safe and not have to do anything scary ever. That sounds like a good life plan."

It was stupid. I knew it was stupid, but I couldn't stop feeling it. Not that I don't love my friends or Alexander and it is important to me to keep them, but I was in such a rut that it started to feel comfortable, I was tired all the time and wanted to spend any time not at work curled up in my bed or on the couch with my computer, doing nothing or sleeping.

Then I traveled. It had been a while since I'd traveled a significant distance, and it was stressful and scary at first (the delays and having to run all the way across LAX to catch a flight did not help). But then I remembered what it was like to be in a brand new place with brand new things, and I remembered what it's like when the sun is hot and I can see, smell, and swim in the sea. I remembered seeing new animals and new plants and meeting new people and learning new things and I experienced what Jason and Gaea's lives are like and I got my SCUBA certification and I climbed a volcano and I ate new food, used new money, and slept in a bamboo hut on a hammock. I spoke a new language and learned about a new culture and was hot and sweaty and tan and I walked places and I did things and I remembered what living is like.

And now I don't want to go back. I want to keep being hot and sweaty, for one thing, but even more than that I'm afraid of falling back into my rut and sleeping in it like it's a bed. I want to travel, I want to learn, I want to explore and experience and make new friends and be happy like I have been here. The problem is that a lot of that takes money, most of which I spent on getting here and enjoying myself here, so I'll have to make some more before I do any of this. So how do I keep this feeling going once I get home? How do I make sure I keep exploring even in Madison, doing new things, keeping myself happy, all while simultaneously saving up for my next big adventure? And what should my next big adventure be? Grad school? I'm feeling that it's less and less likely I'll be going next year. I got rejected from two Duke programs, I know for sure I don't want to go to Maryland anymore (the professors I wanted to work with have either retired or changed their focus since their online information was updated), and so that pretty much leaves Boston, which may be a great program but which I have mixed feelings about. I could definitely keep living in Madison and working where I work and apply again next time but with more knowledge of the best way to find and apply to schools, which was my plan before and I was fine with it. Or I could try to do something else. I would have to pay for most really cool-sounding biology internships, which I'm not sure I'm financially capable of right now but I could look into more. I could try to find a good program teaching English abroad, I could join the Peace Corps or try to find another SCA to do, or I could just save and save and travel in Europe next summer or go back to New Zealand or maybe Asia.

None of these precludes going to grad school next year necessarily, but they could. All of these significantly complicate my relationship with Alexander, as well as finding a living situation for however long I will still be in Madison.

What I really want to do is just pack some essentials in my carry-on and bolt at the airport in New Zealand tomorrow, travel around on the money I have in the bank and whatever odd jobs I can find, but that seems like the wrong way to go about things. It's going to be hard to convince myself of that tomorrow when I'm sitting in the airport of a country I've always wanted to go to for seven hours tomorrow. Almost enough time to explore but not quite, so I will just sit there staring at all the kiwi-flavored things in the gift shop and wondering what it's actually like out there.

But I'll go home to Wisconsin instead. I mostly wrote this as a reminder to myself that no matter how cozy it might feel when I go back, I want to do more, go more places, experience more than Madison has to offer. And I can do it. It's not really that scary once you start. You just have to go. And there's something to be said for working a day job somewhere and learning to cook and be an adult and having a real relationship where both partners are in the same city and saving some money. That's not a bad thing. As long as you remember that that's not all you want, as long as you keep finding new things to do in that city, new ways to get out of it, and remember that you will smack yourself in the face if you wake up in that same city in five years.

And with that, I am going to stop moping and worrying about the future. The sun, surf, and fruity tropical drinks are calling my name! I'm going to enjoy this last day in paradise.

2012 Retrospective and 2013 Resolutions

I kind of can't believe 2012 is over. It was probably one of the biggest years of my life. I moved to a new city, I lived alone for the first time, I got first one and then two amazing jobs. I learned a new sport, I broke a bone, I went to Boston and to Virginia, a whole lot of people I know got married (I was only there for one of them but let's not kid ourselves, it was the important one anyway). I kept a wonderful relationship going despite being in different places (physically and mentally). I made new friends but kept the old. I took the GREs and applied to graduate schools. I FINALLY saw my brother and Gaea again! I grew. A lot. I got better. I started this year out terrified and even a little depressed but I'm finishing it happy and hopeful and - I wouldn't quite say confident, there's still a lot of room to improve there and I intend to keep working on it in 2013, my stomach still ties in knots when I think about grad school and the future - but if not confident then maybe...capable. It's a good feeling. I can build on capable.

My usual New Year's resolutions are essentially the same ones I've been making since high school. Eat better, exercise more, be more confident, worry less, meditate, etc. etc. And I want to do all of those things, of course, but they're the sort of thing I think about all the time and it's good to recommit but none of them are the kind of thing I can just check off the list, they're all things that I've been slowly getting better (or worse, in the case of meditating and exercising) about but I will probably be trying to get even better at for most of my life. I need to come up with a couple of more tangible, interesting, and new resolutions. So here goes:

1) Actually start birding. I have a good bird book, I have binoculars, I want to hike and be out in nature, I should really start doing this. I heard Tundra Swans on Lake Mendota the other night, it's a good start.
2) Read at least three new books. I've been so busy with two jobs and grad school apps I haven't really sat down to read much and when I do it tends to be old favorites and not new ones and I often tend to fall asleep. I'm keeping it a low number on the off chance I start grad school in August and once again lose all time for reading.
3) Find some exercise fun thing to stick with. Last year I tried dance and yoga but neither of them stuck. I'm considering going back to martial arts but it starts at 6pm on weeknights which is often the time I'm just leaving work, so I'm not sure if I can manage it or not. I need to find something that I will keep doing, and preferably somewhere I can make some new friends.
4) Cook more. It doesn't even have to be new meals or complex meals all the time, I've finally in the last week stopped being quite so afraid of throwing random spices into things and seeing what happens. And you know what? It was tastey! I've also started actually looking at the recipes I've collected over the last year, and some of them are really easy. I can do this, it's time to start.

I have a lot more I want to work on, but I think for now four is good. Plus my old standbys of be healthier, be happier, be more confident and happy that I'm me. I've made leaps and bounds on most of these in the past year (I started out really well with exercising but towards the end of the year slacked off a lot). I'm really proud of the progress I've made in 2012 and hopeful about the progress I can make in 2013.  Thank you to all of you who made 2012 wonderful, and I wish everyone a happy and healthy 2013!

P.S. In 4 days I turn 24! How insane is that?