I kind of can't believe 2012 is over. It was probably one of the biggest years of my life. I moved to a new city, I lived alone for the first time, I got first one and then two amazing jobs. I learned a new sport, I broke a bone, I went to Boston and to Virginia, a whole lot of people I know got married (I was only there for one of them but let's not kid ourselves, it was the important one anyway). I kept a wonderful relationship going despite being in different places (physically and mentally). I made new friends but kept the old. I took the GREs and applied to graduate schools. I FINALLY saw my brother and Gaea again! I grew. A lot. I got better. I started this year out terrified and even a little depressed but I'm finishing it happy and hopeful and - I wouldn't quite say confident, there's still a lot of room to improve there and I intend to keep working on it in 2013, my stomach still ties in knots when I think about grad school and the future - but if not confident then maybe...capable. It's a good feeling. I can build on capable.
My usual New Year's resolutions are essentially the same ones I've been making since high school. Eat better, exercise more, be more confident, worry less, meditate, etc. etc. And I want to do all of those things, of course, but they're the sort of thing I think about all the time and it's good to recommit but none of them are the kind of thing I can just check off the list, they're all things that I've been slowly getting better (or worse, in the case of meditating and exercising) about but I will probably be trying to get even better at for most of my life. I need to come up with a couple of more tangible, interesting, and new resolutions. So here goes:
1) Actually start birding. I have a good bird book, I have binoculars, I want to hike and be out in nature, I should really start doing this. I heard Tundra Swans on Lake Mendota the other night, it's a good start.
2) Read at least three new books. I've been so busy with two jobs and grad school apps I haven't really sat down to read much and when I do it tends to be old favorites and not new ones and I often tend to fall asleep. I'm keeping it a low number on the off chance I start grad school in August and once again lose all time for reading.
3) Find some exercise fun thing to stick with. Last year I tried dance and yoga but neither of them stuck. I'm considering going back to martial arts but it starts at 6pm on weeknights which is often the time I'm just leaving work, so I'm not sure if I can manage it or not. I need to find something that I will keep doing, and preferably somewhere I can make some new friends.
4) Cook more. It doesn't even have to be new meals or complex meals all the time, I've finally in the last week stopped being quite so afraid of throwing random spices into things and seeing what happens. And you know what? It was tastey! I've also started actually looking at the recipes I've collected over the last year, and some of them are really easy. I can do this, it's time to start.
I have a lot more I want to work on, but I think for now four is good. Plus my old standbys of be healthier, be happier, be more confident and happy that I'm me. I've made leaps and bounds on most of these in the past year (I started out really well with exercising but towards the end of the year slacked off a lot). I'm really proud of the progress I've made in 2012 and hopeful about the progress I can make in 2013. Thank you to all of you who made 2012 wonderful, and I wish everyone a happy and healthy 2013!
P.S. In 4 days I turn 24! How insane is that?
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Monday, December 10, 2012
Graduate School and Growing Up
So let's see. When last we left our intrepid heroine, she was panicking about the GREs and whether or not grad school was a good idea. Sorry to have left you all hanging, although I see or at least talk to most of you on Facebook, so I'm pretty sure you're well aware of my progress since then. In case you are not: I absolutely rocked the verbal portion of the GREs, did reasonably well on the math and really quite well on the writing. I am maybe possibly nearly done with all of this application stuff. I have submitted applications to four programs at three universities. Biology and Evolutionary Anthropology at Duke University, Biology (concentration in Behavior, Ecology, Evolution, and Systematics) at University of Maryland, and Biology (concentration in Ecology, Behavior, and Evolution) at Boston University. These are all PhD programs. I'm considering adding a Master's program at University of Hawaii, but I'm sort of waffling back and forth on that one.
To be entirely honest, I'm frankly shocked that I have gotten here. I mean, I worked really hard, I have essentially been working three jobs for months, first studying for the GREs and then researching and applying to grad schools. Every step of the way I've waffled and debated "Is this what I want right now? Is this what I should be doing?". And I still have my doubts, but I also have my doubts about getting in to any of these places, anyway. I am not saying this in a humble or low self-esteem way, I just picked really amazing programs at really amazing schools because those are the ones I want to go to. If I don't get in maybe I will be more modest next year or maybe I will try to gain the test scores and experience they think I'm lacking before next year. I know a lot of brilliant people who took multiple tries to get to grad school and I'm trying to drill through my head that it isn't a bad thing.
And here's the thing. My future next year is coming down to this: either I get into grad school or I don't. If I get in I move to a new place (with or without Alexander, that is a whole different thing that is frustrating and not something I'm going to go into too much detail about here) I meet new people, I start the path to research and theoretically professordom down the road. Or I don't get in, I stay in Madison another year and keep working my two awesome jobs and make money and start earlier researching and talking to professors and apply again next year. Most likely (but still not certain) in this scenario Alexander moves to Madison too and we get at least one year of normal dating in before we start this whole "where am I going what am I doing what does that mean for us?" thing over again. Both of these plans are pretty awesome in their own ways, and I realize that.
But I'm doing that thing I do where I concentrate on the bad. I start thinking about how scary grad school is and how I have so many interests and what if I pick the wrong school and what if my advisor is terrible and what if I think I want to study fish but it turns out I hate it and what if Alexander doesn't come with me and what if and what if. And then I think "Well, maybe I won't even get in and then none of this will be a problem. I like where I am right now, Alexander would be much more comfortable moving to a place where he knows some people, I can keep playing with dogs and living within two blocks of a bunch of my friends and just chill out and be a person for a while." But then I won't have gotten into grad school! That would be terrible! And I'd have to stay in the Midwest for another year! And next year Alexander and I would have all the exact same conversations except by then he'd have roommates and a job and a life. So essentially, either way everything will be terrible. I realize I do this. I realize it is stupid. I just haven't quite figured out how to get it to stop yet.
Of course, I could always do something completely different. Maybe if I don't get in I'll just do another SCA internship or some other unpaid internship or travel or work on a cruise ship. I mean, probably not, but maybe.
The thing I've started to come to terms with in the last year, really just in the last few months, is that being an adult is not what happens when you figure everything out and stop feeling lost. Being an adult is feeling lost and working through it, dealing with it, starting with where you are and taking action to get to where you want to be and rolling with whatever happens in between. I'm still having a hard time convincing myself that no one really knows what they're doing. We're all just faking and doing our best and messing up and starting over and making the best choices we can. I've always assumed that there would come a time where I would think "Yes, I'm ready." Yes, I'm ready to have a pet, yes, I'm ready to go to grad school, yes, I'm ready to get married, or whatever. I would wake up one morning and have some crazy insight into life and know what to do and know where I was going and feel comfortable being in charge of my life and confident in my choices as I had always assumed my parents and aunts and uncles and even my older friends were. And maybe sometimes you do have something like that, but for the most part I have realized (but don't fully comprehend yet) everyone is just making it up as they go along. Which is oddly comforting but also just a little terrifying, too. But, I think I can do it at least as well as most of them.
To be entirely honest, I'm frankly shocked that I have gotten here. I mean, I worked really hard, I have essentially been working three jobs for months, first studying for the GREs and then researching and applying to grad schools. Every step of the way I've waffled and debated "Is this what I want right now? Is this what I should be doing?". And I still have my doubts, but I also have my doubts about getting in to any of these places, anyway. I am not saying this in a humble or low self-esteem way, I just picked really amazing programs at really amazing schools because those are the ones I want to go to. If I don't get in maybe I will be more modest next year or maybe I will try to gain the test scores and experience they think I'm lacking before next year. I know a lot of brilliant people who took multiple tries to get to grad school and I'm trying to drill through my head that it isn't a bad thing.
And here's the thing. My future next year is coming down to this: either I get into grad school or I don't. If I get in I move to a new place (with or without Alexander, that is a whole different thing that is frustrating and not something I'm going to go into too much detail about here) I meet new people, I start the path to research and theoretically professordom down the road. Or I don't get in, I stay in Madison another year and keep working my two awesome jobs and make money and start earlier researching and talking to professors and apply again next year. Most likely (but still not certain) in this scenario Alexander moves to Madison too and we get at least one year of normal dating in before we start this whole "where am I going what am I doing what does that mean for us?" thing over again. Both of these plans are pretty awesome in their own ways, and I realize that.
But I'm doing that thing I do where I concentrate on the bad. I start thinking about how scary grad school is and how I have so many interests and what if I pick the wrong school and what if my advisor is terrible and what if I think I want to study fish but it turns out I hate it and what if Alexander doesn't come with me and what if and what if. And then I think "Well, maybe I won't even get in and then none of this will be a problem. I like where I am right now, Alexander would be much more comfortable moving to a place where he knows some people, I can keep playing with dogs and living within two blocks of a bunch of my friends and just chill out and be a person for a while." But then I won't have gotten into grad school! That would be terrible! And I'd have to stay in the Midwest for another year! And next year Alexander and I would have all the exact same conversations except by then he'd have roommates and a job and a life. So essentially, either way everything will be terrible. I realize I do this. I realize it is stupid. I just haven't quite figured out how to get it to stop yet.
Of course, I could always do something completely different. Maybe if I don't get in I'll just do another SCA internship or some other unpaid internship or travel or work on a cruise ship. I mean, probably not, but maybe.
The thing I've started to come to terms with in the last year, really just in the last few months, is that being an adult is not what happens when you figure everything out and stop feeling lost. Being an adult is feeling lost and working through it, dealing with it, starting with where you are and taking action to get to where you want to be and rolling with whatever happens in between. I'm still having a hard time convincing myself that no one really knows what they're doing. We're all just faking and doing our best and messing up and starting over and making the best choices we can. I've always assumed that there would come a time where I would think "Yes, I'm ready." Yes, I'm ready to have a pet, yes, I'm ready to go to grad school, yes, I'm ready to get married, or whatever. I would wake up one morning and have some crazy insight into life and know what to do and know where I was going and feel comfortable being in charge of my life and confident in my choices as I had always assumed my parents and aunts and uncles and even my older friends were. And maybe sometimes you do have something like that, but for the most part I have realized (but don't fully comprehend yet) everyone is just making it up as they go along. Which is oddly comforting but also just a little terrifying, too. But, I think I can do it at least as well as most of them.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
So. Much. Work.
Hey, all! Sorry I haven't posted for a while. My life of late looks like this: go to Job #1, eat lunch while driving to Job #2, do Job #2, come home, eat dinner, study for GREs and/or research graduate schools, go to sleep, repeat until Saturday, visit Alexander in Beloit, then start again.
It's exhausting. I still don't feel ready for the GREs and while I have a couple of grad schools I'm very excited about, the majority all look pretty okay and I really don't know how to narrow it down. Plus, I'm still not sure I'll be able to apply for next year because time is running out and if I do poorly on the GREs that's kind of it. So I'm very very stressed out and by Thursdays I pretty much feel like crawling under the covers and sleeping for a week (the shortening days and increasing clouds are not helping, I feel winter depression creeping up on me. I need to get out of the Midwest).
So that was definitely the point I was at earlier tonight but I spent all evening watching Buffy and putting together my CV (I should have been in bed like two hours ago) and I'm feeling much better now. My CV actually looks pretty good, and pretty full. It looks like Beloit College and my internships and experiences have prepared me pretty well for grad school and there's a possibility I might just get in. I just hope they see it that way, too.
It's exhausting. I still don't feel ready for the GREs and while I have a couple of grad schools I'm very excited about, the majority all look pretty okay and I really don't know how to narrow it down. Plus, I'm still not sure I'll be able to apply for next year because time is running out and if I do poorly on the GREs that's kind of it. So I'm very very stressed out and by Thursdays I pretty much feel like crawling under the covers and sleeping for a week (the shortening days and increasing clouds are not helping, I feel winter depression creeping up on me. I need to get out of the Midwest).
So that was definitely the point I was at earlier tonight but I spent all evening watching Buffy and putting together my CV (I should have been in bed like two hours ago) and I'm feeling much better now. My CV actually looks pretty good, and pretty full. It looks like Beloit College and my internships and experiences have prepared me pretty well for grad school and there's a possibility I might just get in. I just hope they see it that way, too.
Friday, September 28, 2012
Of Weddings and Wonderful Friends
This past weekend I was lucky enough to attend a beautiful wedding in Virginia. My friends Tucker and Robyn, who have been together since their sophomore year of college (seven years now) were finally tying the knot. I've known Tucker for many years, but for the first several he was one of my brothers' friends who came over en masse sometimes and I viewed with a mixture of curiosity, annoyance, and fear. The summer before my junior year of high school my brother and I finally became friends and many of his friends became mine as well, including Tucker. He is the reason I knew about Beloit and has been an excellent friend to me for about seven years despite the fact that we only lived in the same place for one of those. I don't know Robyn nearly as well but I always wish I did because she is about 50 kinds of awesome. Their ceremony was sweet and beautiful and perfect and I cried like a baby which was incredibly embarrassing.
The ceremony was fantastic but I have to say that my absolute favorite part came at the end. At the end of the reception line after I had hugged the couple and started crying again (ugh) I snuck away and called my brother in Vanuatu. I told him weeks ago the day and time so that he would be in a place on the island where he got reception and he called back right away. I told Tucker he had a phone call and he looked incredibly confused until he heard my brother's voice and then his face just lit up. It was adorable. He was probably the most excited I've ever seen him. I am still just so incredibly happy that it worked out so well.
Besides the wedding itself, the weekend was an amazing chance to see a lot of friends from college. To be honest, I was pretty nervous before the trip. Most of these people I hadn't seen in years and while I care about all of them a lot I only got a year with them in college (with some, some of them were gone before I even got there) and I was a freshman so I am in some ways still slightly awestruck and awkward around them and surprised that they seemed to like me so much (definitely not how I felt about most freshmen when I was a senior). I was worried ahead of time that I would be quiet and nervous around them like back in freshman year and there were a couple of moments of that, I won't deny, but they all hugged me and gave me grad school and life advice and let me fall asleep using their chests as pillows and were just generally fantastic people. I had forgotten how much I missed all of them. Whenever I see them (and definitely in freshman year I felt this way) I wish I were three or four years older. Not that I don't love the friends I made in my grade but I really wish I had gotten to spend more time with that group of people. Although, I do really love the fact that there are people like Matt who I have literally only seen a maximum of four times now (counting the wedding) and who still greets me with an enormous hug and wants to talk about our lives and give me good advice as a recently accepted grad school student. It's really wonderful and I just want all of them to live in the same place (but not the midwest, because I have to get out!).
Being at the wedding and seeing all these people who are always just a little bit ahead of me in terms of life stuff made me think about the future a lot (although, what doesn't these days, honestly?). I have friends with spouses and houses and advanced degrees and real people jobs. I wonder how many of those I will have in four years. It's a bit like when I was walking home from dinner with Carly (another very lovely friend) tonight. I love looking in peoples' windows at night, not to see what they're doing or to be creepy, just to see into their lives for just a second and wonder what their lives are like, if they're happy. I wonder what my life would be like if I'd grown up in that house, if I lived in that house now, if I'll end up in a house like that. What things they have displayed prominently enough that a stranger who happens to glance in from the street would be able to see them, what is important to them. It's fascinating to me. I think I've probably mentioned this before but I think this ties into my view of my life as a Choose Your Own Adventure book. I have so many choices right now and I really wish I could cheat and look ahead a little bit to see which one gets me to the best ending. Of course, I can't, and that's not even how life works. I have this huge fear of having regrets in the future, which is just silly because I don't really have any now, so I don't know how I can be regretting things I haven't even done yet. But, it was really nice to see so many people doing so many different things. Some of them were doing what they always wanted to do, some of them were in a completely different place than they thought, and some of them had taken an unexpected path to get to a place where they are very happy. Of course, I only saw them for a couple of days and it was at a wedding so they seemed very happy, but I think they all are, more or less, in good places and happy with their lives even if they're different than they thought. At least, I really hope so, and not just because it makes me feel better about where my life may or may not go, but because they are all truly fabulous people who deserve to be extremely happy.
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Movin' on Up to the East Side
Okay, so I'm not actually that much farther East than I was before, but a few blocks, anyway. I have now moved from my tiny studio to a gorgeous three bedroom with two lovely roommates! Our neighborhood is beautiful, our apartment is beautiful, we have an adorable cat and life is pretty good. We even have a couch, a huge kitchen where everything actually fits in the cupboards, and a dishwasher! Also, all hardwood floors. I feel much closer to a real adult.
Of course, I still haven't unpacked everything in my room, our living room is full of boxes, we haven't yet found a table (although Carly may give us hers, at least for a while), and there are some adjustments needed when moving from your own space to a shared one. I have been looking forward for months to living with other people but there is definitely going to be a transition period. I got very used to having everything exactly where I wanted it, whenever there was a mess it was my mess, whenever there was food it was my food, and I never felt the need to nag anyone. I liked all those things. But, I also like coming home and having people to talk to, having a kitty to play with, sharing chores, etc. And I'm sure I'll get more used to the rest of it. It's only been a week, afterall.
Yesterday I finally finished cleaning my old apartment. I spent at least three, maybe three and a half hours cleaning up after I moved out, which doesn't sound like a long time except that my old apartment was one room and a big bathroom. I wiped and scrubbed and vacuumed and I really hope it's enough for me to get my whole deposit back. It's a fairly old place and there were some stains I couldn't get out and knew I didn't cause, some rips and holes that were there when I moved in, etc. and since I was subletting, it's up to my subleasor how much of my half of the deposit I get back, which is worrisome. She seemed like a very nice girl, and everything, but I still feel that it would be fairly easy for me to get screwed over in this deal. Then there's the part where I lost the extra key. I mean, I didn't really. When Alexander was visiting I gave it to him, he set it down somewhere in the apartment (I watched him do this, I was almost positive he put it on the desk) and then neither of us could find it ever again. It never left the apartment but I searched through everything when I was packing and it was nowhere to be found. So. There's that. I'm not sure how much they charge for a lost key. At my new place they gave me a handy little sheet telling us how much they charge for anything that needs repair or cleaning after you left and a key is only $10 but you never know what they might do at the old place and I'm getting nervous.
Moving on, polo season is almost over! Sad. But we've got a few more big games before it is. This weekend I'll be in Sioux Falls, SD, next weekend we'll be in Peoria, and the weekend after that a couple of teams might be coming here. After that it should peter out and we'll probably just be practicing and playing games here, maybe travelling a very little bit. We haven't been travelling as much as I expected anyway, but it's been a really fun (if stressful) summer. These next two weekends are actually the only times we'll be staying in hotels, which will be interesting.
I think I mentioned in my last post that the other girl I work with is nice and everything but we never really clicked, never seemed to have much in common and things are usually at least a little strained between us and I couldn't put my finger on why. I think there are two reasons that can be summed up in two sentences I have recently heard her utter. The first was something along the lines of "it's not like I'm an environmentalist" when talking about throwing beer cans in a lake which just hurt my soul and made me respect her a little less but didn't make me feel like we could never ever get along, and the second was much more recently "I hate reading". "Ah." I thought "Well, that's that, then." Not that all of my friends have to be book nerds (although at least 99% of them are) but I don't think anyone I really enjoy spending time with would ever say "I hate reading". It's not so much a dealbreaker as an explanation for why things have always been weird. On some fundamental level I cannot be compatible with someone who would say that. If you met my mom, you would understand. Well, actually, if you're reading this I'm fairly sure you do understand.
Oh oh oh! I cannot believe I didn't mention this before! My horse is here at last! He got here on the same day I was moving! He didn't get here until after midnight (and I had been up since 6:30, packing and moving and unpacking and hanging out with people on very little sleep for two days, so I was exhausted) but he was in good shape, if a little confused. I saw him the next day and he seemed much happier to see me. He followed me around the arena and stood still while I groomed him (which he rarely does). I've seen him twice more since then and he's been good. He lives about 10 minutes from the barn where I work and this is the first time in five years that he's been close enough for me to see on a regular basis, and the first time ever ever he has been on the way to something else I need to go to so it is incredibly convenient to see him.
He was very sweaty the other day, may not be quite used to the heat here since I think it might not have gotten as hot in MN as it has been here in WI, but he was out in the pasture with the other horses (they introduce them slowly, which I appreciate), didn't seem too dinged up, and other horses were even following him around! This is really exciting because Larkie is almost always on the bottom of the totem pole in the pasture. It's just his personality, I guess, and it's not bad it just makes me anxious about introducing him to new horses because he might get beat up a little more (although he seems to understand his social rank, so he'll probably submit pretty quickly). But other horses were following him around (and it didn't look like chasing, which happened at his old barn) so maybe Lark is moving up in the world, too!
And now I should go. I have to go to work soon, but first it is rainy and chilly and this adorable grey cat (whose name is Bergamont, Monty for short) is curled up next to me on the couch looking incredibly cute. It is sort of ridiculous how nice it is to have a cat on a rainy day.
Of course, I still haven't unpacked everything in my room, our living room is full of boxes, we haven't yet found a table (although Carly may give us hers, at least for a while), and there are some adjustments needed when moving from your own space to a shared one. I have been looking forward for months to living with other people but there is definitely going to be a transition period. I got very used to having everything exactly where I wanted it, whenever there was a mess it was my mess, whenever there was food it was my food, and I never felt the need to nag anyone. I liked all those things. But, I also like coming home and having people to talk to, having a kitty to play with, sharing chores, etc. And I'm sure I'll get more used to the rest of it. It's only been a week, afterall.
Yesterday I finally finished cleaning my old apartment. I spent at least three, maybe three and a half hours cleaning up after I moved out, which doesn't sound like a long time except that my old apartment was one room and a big bathroom. I wiped and scrubbed and vacuumed and I really hope it's enough for me to get my whole deposit back. It's a fairly old place and there were some stains I couldn't get out and knew I didn't cause, some rips and holes that were there when I moved in, etc. and since I was subletting, it's up to my subleasor how much of my half of the deposit I get back, which is worrisome. She seemed like a very nice girl, and everything, but I still feel that it would be fairly easy for me to get screwed over in this deal. Then there's the part where I lost the extra key. I mean, I didn't really. When Alexander was visiting I gave it to him, he set it down somewhere in the apartment (I watched him do this, I was almost positive he put it on the desk) and then neither of us could find it ever again. It never left the apartment but I searched through everything when I was packing and it was nowhere to be found. So. There's that. I'm not sure how much they charge for a lost key. At my new place they gave me a handy little sheet telling us how much they charge for anything that needs repair or cleaning after you left and a key is only $10 but you never know what they might do at the old place and I'm getting nervous.
Moving on, polo season is almost over! Sad. But we've got a few more big games before it is. This weekend I'll be in Sioux Falls, SD, next weekend we'll be in Peoria, and the weekend after that a couple of teams might be coming here. After that it should peter out and we'll probably just be practicing and playing games here, maybe travelling a very little bit. We haven't been travelling as much as I expected anyway, but it's been a really fun (if stressful) summer. These next two weekends are actually the only times we'll be staying in hotels, which will be interesting.
I think I mentioned in my last post that the other girl I work with is nice and everything but we never really clicked, never seemed to have much in common and things are usually at least a little strained between us and I couldn't put my finger on why. I think there are two reasons that can be summed up in two sentences I have recently heard her utter. The first was something along the lines of "it's not like I'm an environmentalist" when talking about throwing beer cans in a lake which just hurt my soul and made me respect her a little less but didn't make me feel like we could never ever get along, and the second was much more recently "I hate reading". "Ah." I thought "Well, that's that, then." Not that all of my friends have to be book nerds (although at least 99% of them are) but I don't think anyone I really enjoy spending time with would ever say "I hate reading". It's not so much a dealbreaker as an explanation for why things have always been weird. On some fundamental level I cannot be compatible with someone who would say that. If you met my mom, you would understand. Well, actually, if you're reading this I'm fairly sure you do understand.
Oh oh oh! I cannot believe I didn't mention this before! My horse is here at last! He got here on the same day I was moving! He didn't get here until after midnight (and I had been up since 6:30, packing and moving and unpacking and hanging out with people on very little sleep for two days, so I was exhausted) but he was in good shape, if a little confused. I saw him the next day and he seemed much happier to see me. He followed me around the arena and stood still while I groomed him (which he rarely does). I've seen him twice more since then and he's been good. He lives about 10 minutes from the barn where I work and this is the first time in five years that he's been close enough for me to see on a regular basis, and the first time ever ever he has been on the way to something else I need to go to so it is incredibly convenient to see him.
He was very sweaty the other day, may not be quite used to the heat here since I think it might not have gotten as hot in MN as it has been here in WI, but he was out in the pasture with the other horses (they introduce them slowly, which I appreciate), didn't seem too dinged up, and other horses were even following him around! This is really exciting because Larkie is almost always on the bottom of the totem pole in the pasture. It's just his personality, I guess, and it's not bad it just makes me anxious about introducing him to new horses because he might get beat up a little more (although he seems to understand his social rank, so he'll probably submit pretty quickly). But other horses were following him around (and it didn't look like chasing, which happened at his old barn) so maybe Lark is moving up in the world, too!
And now I should go. I have to go to work soon, but first it is rainy and chilly and this adorable grey cat (whose name is Bergamont, Monty for short) is curled up next to me on the couch looking incredibly cute. It is sort of ridiculous how nice it is to have a cat on a rainy day.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
So. Tired.
Okay I am going to level with you. I have had a rough couple of days. I am in a combination of post-vacation and not-going-to-see-my-boyfriend-again-for-at-least-a-month blues, and life is not helping me out. Nothing really super horrible, so I shouldn't be letting it get to me this much but, alas, here we are. Among other various depressing world events (Batman shooting, navy testing killing hundreds of whales and dolphins and injuring more, Animal Planet's sci fi movie about how there might be mermaids being more important than the actual navy testing that's going on, really hard day at work, etc.) The main thing that's getting me down is other peoples' negativity.
I've never really thought of myself as a super positive person, what with the bouts of depression and anxiety over the years, but I've realized recently that despite all of that I am really fundamentally a positive person (although not necessarily an optimist, that's a totally different thing). And one thing that I find just incredibly draining is being around negative people.
Okay, I know this is a sweeping generalization that by no means describes all of them (my brother comes to mind as an excellent example of not this, I know they exist, but hear me out before you get all indignant, okay?): but I think that my getting just exhausted by negativity is why I get so frustrated with the majority of atheists. Most of the ones I know (or the famous ones who yell about it a lot) are just so negative, not just the "no god" part, but their whole life view. Whether they admit it or not, I find most atheist arguments to actually be anti-christian (or whatever religion they were raised as, most often) and often (not always, not hating on all atheists, want to make that clear again) dripping with disdain for any kind of belief. Which just turns me off and makes me want to go away and take a nap or something. I mean, I am a scientist, I get the whole lack of proof thing, I do. But part of being a scientist is also being open to ideas that have not been disproven. Otherwise, you are just as guilty of expectation bias as people who believe in something supernatural. Since the existence of a higher power can neither be proven nor disproven, why don't we all just calm the fuck down about it? I mean, I'm so okay with getting angry at people who use religion as an excuse for ignorance, prejudice, and harming others, and I know it's done a lot of bad things, but good things happen because of religion as well, and even more good things happen because of faith, outside of religion. Organized religion has caused a lot of pain, but that doesn't mean that anyone who believes in anything supernatural should be judged or looked down on any more than they should judge or look down on anyone who is an atheist. The negativity and the hypocrisy just bug me is all, and I know many atheists who are wonderful people and this is not directed at them (and even many of the ones who do this are wonderful in many other ways), it's just that I've seen a lot of this lately and combined with all the other things it's just reached a tipping point (plus I realized the negative/positive connection). As a note, I am not religious, I'm not an atheist, and I wouldn't even describe myself as agnostic. I don't know what I am and I'm not going into any more detail about it here.
Anyway, sorry for the rant, but I needed to put it somewhere and it's my blog, dammit! Mostly today was just a long, long day, and I've been waking up from horrible dreams that make me want to cry as soon as I wake up which is just not helping. The girl I usually work with had to help one of the other polo players today, so I was the lone groom for 6 horses and 2 players today. One of the horses we were leaving behind cut herself a couple of days ago and it's getting infected and starting to look bad, so I had to take care of that before I did anything else and I think that made us late leaving which is a huge pet peeve of my boss' husband. He is very high-strung and quick to get frustrated with any little slip-up or thing that goes wrong, and today I was the only person to blame. He didn't actually blow up at me which is frankly a miracle, but he was edgy all day and that made me edgy and I constantly had to be doing like 5 things at once and I didn't really sit down all day, except on the drives. We don't get paid for the drives (which I think is fair, because I usually end up falling asleep) but today I was the only one in the car so I was in charge of keeping my boss' husband (who is also my boss, I guess, but whatever) awake and entertained on the drive, which meant making awkward small talk with a very, very negative man for a total of five hours (two and a half hours there and two and a half back). I feel like I should be paid for that. It was awkward. And he is a professor so he talked a lot about university budget cuts and how it's getting harder and harder to get into grad schools because they don't have money to fund grad students and the government is going to cut funding which will make it even harder and it's possible that students will just get dropped mid-degree (although admittedly unlikely). Plus also, once they graduate there aren't as many jobs as there are graduates, although not as bad as with bachelor's degrees. Not helping my motivation to research programs and get myself there. He has a tendency to talk about the sad state of the world in a way that just makes me want to go home and crawl under my covers for at least a week. Once we talked global warming. Ugh.
Nothing really horrible happened today, but I was rushed and mistakes were made and passive-agressiveness was directed at me and all in all it was very tense. All day. I worked from 7am to 8pm. And it was all tense. I'm tired. And the best part is I get to get up and do it again tomorrow! Although now the girl I work with will be there, so that's good, but the game will have higher stakes and people will be even edgier. Oh god.
So now I'm recuperating. On the way home I bought chips, sweet tea, and two candy bars and I'm going to snuggle up in my bed and watch happy movies and eat comfort food and try to recover my positivity before I go to sleep. I'm sorry if the atheist stuff offended you, I just really wanted to express these things I've been realizing lately and I'd be happy to discuss it rationally but please please please do not get indignant and/or passive-aggressive or finger-pointy at me (I'm really not sure who reads this) because I cannot take that right now. Thanks.
Goodnight!
I've never really thought of myself as a super positive person, what with the bouts of depression and anxiety over the years, but I've realized recently that despite all of that I am really fundamentally a positive person (although not necessarily an optimist, that's a totally different thing). And one thing that I find just incredibly draining is being around negative people.
Okay, I know this is a sweeping generalization that by no means describes all of them (my brother comes to mind as an excellent example of not this, I know they exist, but hear me out before you get all indignant, okay?): but I think that my getting just exhausted by negativity is why I get so frustrated with the majority of atheists. Most of the ones I know (or the famous ones who yell about it a lot) are just so negative, not just the "no god" part, but their whole life view. Whether they admit it or not, I find most atheist arguments to actually be anti-christian (or whatever religion they were raised as, most often) and often (not always, not hating on all atheists, want to make that clear again) dripping with disdain for any kind of belief. Which just turns me off and makes me want to go away and take a nap or something. I mean, I am a scientist, I get the whole lack of proof thing, I do. But part of being a scientist is also being open to ideas that have not been disproven. Otherwise, you are just as guilty of expectation bias as people who believe in something supernatural. Since the existence of a higher power can neither be proven nor disproven, why don't we all just calm the fuck down about it? I mean, I'm so okay with getting angry at people who use religion as an excuse for ignorance, prejudice, and harming others, and I know it's done a lot of bad things, but good things happen because of religion as well, and even more good things happen because of faith, outside of religion. Organized religion has caused a lot of pain, but that doesn't mean that anyone who believes in anything supernatural should be judged or looked down on any more than they should judge or look down on anyone who is an atheist. The negativity and the hypocrisy just bug me is all, and I know many atheists who are wonderful people and this is not directed at them (and even many of the ones who do this are wonderful in many other ways), it's just that I've seen a lot of this lately and combined with all the other things it's just reached a tipping point (plus I realized the negative/positive connection). As a note, I am not religious, I'm not an atheist, and I wouldn't even describe myself as agnostic. I don't know what I am and I'm not going into any more detail about it here.
Anyway, sorry for the rant, but I needed to put it somewhere and it's my blog, dammit! Mostly today was just a long, long day, and I've been waking up from horrible dreams that make me want to cry as soon as I wake up which is just not helping. The girl I usually work with had to help one of the other polo players today, so I was the lone groom for 6 horses and 2 players today. One of the horses we were leaving behind cut herself a couple of days ago and it's getting infected and starting to look bad, so I had to take care of that before I did anything else and I think that made us late leaving which is a huge pet peeve of my boss' husband. He is very high-strung and quick to get frustrated with any little slip-up or thing that goes wrong, and today I was the only person to blame. He didn't actually blow up at me which is frankly a miracle, but he was edgy all day and that made me edgy and I constantly had to be doing like 5 things at once and I didn't really sit down all day, except on the drives. We don't get paid for the drives (which I think is fair, because I usually end up falling asleep) but today I was the only one in the car so I was in charge of keeping my boss' husband (who is also my boss, I guess, but whatever) awake and entertained on the drive, which meant making awkward small talk with a very, very negative man for a total of five hours (two and a half hours there and two and a half back). I feel like I should be paid for that. It was awkward. And he is a professor so he talked a lot about university budget cuts and how it's getting harder and harder to get into grad schools because they don't have money to fund grad students and the government is going to cut funding which will make it even harder and it's possible that students will just get dropped mid-degree (although admittedly unlikely). Plus also, once they graduate there aren't as many jobs as there are graduates, although not as bad as with bachelor's degrees. Not helping my motivation to research programs and get myself there. He has a tendency to talk about the sad state of the world in a way that just makes me want to go home and crawl under my covers for at least a week. Once we talked global warming. Ugh.
Nothing really horrible happened today, but I was rushed and mistakes were made and passive-agressiveness was directed at me and all in all it was very tense. All day. I worked from 7am to 8pm. And it was all tense. I'm tired. And the best part is I get to get up and do it again tomorrow! Although now the girl I work with will be there, so that's good, but the game will have higher stakes and people will be even edgier. Oh god.
So now I'm recuperating. On the way home I bought chips, sweet tea, and two candy bars and I'm going to snuggle up in my bed and watch happy movies and eat comfort food and try to recover my positivity before I go to sleep. I'm sorry if the atheist stuff offended you, I just really wanted to express these things I've been realizing lately and I'd be happy to discuss it rationally but please please please do not get indignant and/or passive-aggressive or finger-pointy at me (I'm really not sure who reads this) because I cannot take that right now. Thanks.
Goodnight!
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Hey, Beantown!
And so I'm back from Boston. It was a really wonderful trip. I flew in late last Monday and Alexander picked me up at the airport very sweetly and gave me my first taste of Massachusetts driving. Yikes. He had the whole week planned out and kept almost all of it a secret. Tuesday he took me to the New England Aquarium, which was awesome! They even had fairy penguins! My favorite! I haven't seen them since Australia! Adorable. And a giant sea turtle, among a lot of other amazing creatures. Then we went to an awesome consignment/thrift store type place that was HUGE and awesome. I got to spend some more time with his mom and meet his dad. I loved his mom already from the few hours we hung out in Chicago in April and they told me his dad was just an older version of Alexander but I was not prepared for how correct that was. Except he writes programs for a genomics research company which is awesome. I feel like I understand a lot more about him now, and his apparently hereditary humor. It's pretty great.
Wednesday was a mini golf crawl during which we were both terrible but out of four games I won two and we tied on a third. Awesome. I suck slightly less at mini golf! Woo! Then we went out for delicious sushi and swing dancing at MIT! It was Lindy which neither of us know but we could triple or jitterbug to it for the most part. I even got to dance with a stranger for a song so I have a little Lindy experience now. The T (the train in Boston) is actually really nice. Not always the most convenient, but usually somewhere close to where you want to go and really clean. It only freaks me out when it suddenly shuts off occasionally.
Thursday we drove out to a fancy wine and cheese place. I know I live in Wisconsin but that was some damn good cheese. I think my favorite was the Chebrie, a mixture of sheep and goat cheese. So tasty! The town with this cute little shop happened to be just down the road from Walden Pond so we stopped by. I was expecting it to be tiny, but "pond" in this case seems to mean really big lake. It was full of people swimming, not at all what I was expecting. They had a replica of the house Thoreau built and I have to say it reminded me a lot of a dorm room. Not bad at all! I really need to get around to reading Walden. I've been meaning to for ages.
When we got back after we ate delicious cheese and bread we got dressed up and drove into the city. Alexander wouldn't tell me where we were going but it turned out he got tickets for the new Cirque du Soleil, Totem! It was so much fun. I have a pretty great guy, if that was not already clear.
When we got back after we ate delicious cheese and bread we got dressed up and drove into the city. Alexander wouldn't tell me where we were going but it turned out he got tickets for the new Cirque du Soleil, Totem! It was so much fun. I have a pretty great guy, if that was not already clear.
Friday we went back into the city. The only real exposure I'd had to Boston growing up was the Make Way for Ducklings book which I loved and read over and over, so one of the only things I requested we do while I was there was see the statue. So we strolled around Boston Common, and over to the Public Garden. We took pictures with the statue and even rode the swan boats (which are still incredibly cheap and surprisingly fun). There were even little ducklings swimming in the water. The rest of the garden was really beautiful, too. I wasn't expecting it to be so romantic. Afterwards he took me to a fancy Swiss chocolate shop, which also helped.
After dinner with his parents at a fantastic pizza place, Alexander and I went out to a bar, which was especially exciting because it was the first time we'd been able to go together, since Alexander turned 21. We listened to the bands, one mediocre and one that I liked pretty well. We even danced a little, but I think the highlight of the night was the guy with a silver peg leg sitting behind us.
After dinner with his parents at a fantastic pizza place, Alexander and I went out to a bar, which was especially exciting because it was the first time we'd been able to go together, since Alexander turned 21. We listened to the bands, one mediocre and one that I liked pretty well. We even danced a little, but I think the highlight of the night was the guy with a silver peg leg sitting behind us.
Saturday we drove out to the Plimouth Plantation. I am a big fan of historical reenactment and they did not disappoint. They had a lot of nice touches like pronouncing the k in "know". There was a wedding in the pilgrim area and we wandered around and talked to several people. Apparently the reenactors live there full time in the summer which sounds really fun but also really hard. Of course, my favorite part was the Wampanoag village. The people there were wearing varying degrees of traditional dress and most were actually of Wampanoag descent, but they didn't reenact. There was a large weetoo (I am totally guessing on how to spell that, a traditional dwelling of the people) and first an older woman, then a somewhat younger man just sat in there and told stories about how their people lived and interacted with the world, each other, and the white people when they came. It was fascinating. I probably would be in there still if I could be. I love learning about Native American culture but find it hard to do from a book, so being able to speak to people that close to the history was fantastic. The woman was my favorite, too. She was sassy and kept telling people to get out of the way of her breeze when they just stood in the door. There was one slightly awkward moment. She was asking someone about the wedding over at the settlement and when she was done I asked her what Wampanoag weddings were like. They sound really cool. They all involve the same elements (sage, tobacco, and water, I believe) but in different orders and done in different ways depending on what the medicine man (or woman? Not clear on that) sees in each specific couple when he/she meets with them. I like that a lot. Anyway, I just wanted a comparison since we had just seen a Puritan wedding, but as she was leaving she came over and asked me when Alexander and I were getting married, then when we said we weren't she gave us a look that clearly said "Well why not?!" and shook her head. It was hilarious but also quite awkward. Especially considering the number of people I know who seem to be getting engaged lately. It's weird.
On the way out we stopped in Plymouth, which is a very cute town. We saw Plymouth Rock (which they keep in a cage, a fact no one else seemed to think was as funny as I did) and the Mayflower II, which was cool, although we didn't' pay to go on it. When we got back we met up with one of Alexander's friends from high school which was very interesting. She was a lot of fun and we weirded each other out whenever we wanted to get Alexander's attention (no one at home calls him by his full name, and I'd never heard anyone refer to him by his last name before). She drove us around looking at different beautiful views of the city, talking, and eating ice cream. It was really quite lovely.
Sunday we thought about trekking all the way back out to the beach (I really wanted to swim in the ocean) but in the end it made a lot more sense to just go to the nearby lake (we got up late and it was supposed to storm in the late afternoon, although that never did happen). The lake ended up being beautiful, though. No seaweed, deep enough for a dock you could dive off of and a huge deep swimming area. I would swim there every day if I lived in Newton. I felt silly coming from MN/WI and going to a lake but it was much much nicer than any I've seen here outside of the Boundary Waters.
Monday I got to the airport early, only to find out my flight was delayed. Delayed one hour turned into longer, which turned into indefinitely, which turned into canceled. We had one of those delightful stranger bonding moments while everyone from our plane cursed United and scrambled to try and find another flight out. Since I didn't have any urgent business I let them put me on a flight the next morning, with the promise to give me meal and hotel vouchers. I wasn't expecting much but after a good two hours in line (I don't even think that's an exaggeration) I got a voucher for the nearby Embassy Suites for a very expensive room. They also gave me $30 for food in the airport, which fed me lunch on Monday and enough snacks to get me all the way home on Tuesday. Not a bad deal at all. I wasn't sure Alexander would be able to see me at all Monday night, since his mom was leaving for Japan on Tuesday, but it turned out she had plans all night so he came and hung out with me in my plush room and the free pool. It was a very good deal, even considering the extremely expensive room service and almost no other restaurant options around. Also, we discovered a show called Duck Dynasty which is essentially real life Beverly Hillbillies. It's absolutely ridiculous and we could not stop watching. I should probably be ashamed of that but it was hilarious.
I finally did get on a plane this morning, convinced the bus driver to take yesterday's ticket, and finally ended up back in Madison, only to find out it was too hot for work tonight, which is both a blessing and a curse. I can't say I'm exactly happy to be back, but I did have a lot of fun at game night tonight and very soon I have to start making arrangements for my move! That, finally FINALLY having roommates, and work should keep me busy for the next month, month and a half tops, before Alexander comes back to town.
All in all it was a really wonderful, fun, and romantic trip. Pretty much perfect. I am so so happy I got to go, both to see Alexander and also Boston, which it turns out is a pretty cool city. Mostly Cambridge, though, I guess. Anyway, spectacular week, happy Karis, ever so slightly bummed to be back in the sweltering midwest and facing an early day of work in the morning. But, you know, with horses, so I think I'll live.
On the way out we stopped in Plymouth, which is a very cute town. We saw Plymouth Rock (which they keep in a cage, a fact no one else seemed to think was as funny as I did) and the Mayflower II, which was cool, although we didn't' pay to go on it. When we got back we met up with one of Alexander's friends from high school which was very interesting. She was a lot of fun and we weirded each other out whenever we wanted to get Alexander's attention (no one at home calls him by his full name, and I'd never heard anyone refer to him by his last name before). She drove us around looking at different beautiful views of the city, talking, and eating ice cream. It was really quite lovely.
Sunday we thought about trekking all the way back out to the beach (I really wanted to swim in the ocean) but in the end it made a lot more sense to just go to the nearby lake (we got up late and it was supposed to storm in the late afternoon, although that never did happen). The lake ended up being beautiful, though. No seaweed, deep enough for a dock you could dive off of and a huge deep swimming area. I would swim there every day if I lived in Newton. I felt silly coming from MN/WI and going to a lake but it was much much nicer than any I've seen here outside of the Boundary Waters.
Monday I got to the airport early, only to find out my flight was delayed. Delayed one hour turned into longer, which turned into indefinitely, which turned into canceled. We had one of those delightful stranger bonding moments while everyone from our plane cursed United and scrambled to try and find another flight out. Since I didn't have any urgent business I let them put me on a flight the next morning, with the promise to give me meal and hotel vouchers. I wasn't expecting much but after a good two hours in line (I don't even think that's an exaggeration) I got a voucher for the nearby Embassy Suites for a very expensive room. They also gave me $30 for food in the airport, which fed me lunch on Monday and enough snacks to get me all the way home on Tuesday. Not a bad deal at all. I wasn't sure Alexander would be able to see me at all Monday night, since his mom was leaving for Japan on Tuesday, but it turned out she had plans all night so he came and hung out with me in my plush room and the free pool. It was a very good deal, even considering the extremely expensive room service and almost no other restaurant options around. Also, we discovered a show called Duck Dynasty which is essentially real life Beverly Hillbillies. It's absolutely ridiculous and we could not stop watching. I should probably be ashamed of that but it was hilarious.
I finally did get on a plane this morning, convinced the bus driver to take yesterday's ticket, and finally ended up back in Madison, only to find out it was too hot for work tonight, which is both a blessing and a curse. I can't say I'm exactly happy to be back, but I did have a lot of fun at game night tonight and very soon I have to start making arrangements for my move! That, finally FINALLY having roommates, and work should keep me busy for the next month, month and a half tops, before Alexander comes back to town.
All in all it was a really wonderful, fun, and romantic trip. Pretty much perfect. I am so so happy I got to go, both to see Alexander and also Boston, which it turns out is a pretty cool city. Mostly Cambridge, though, I guess. Anyway, spectacular week, happy Karis, ever so slightly bummed to be back in the sweltering midwest and facing an early day of work in the morning. But, you know, with horses, so I think I'll live.
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