Guys, I went grocery shopping! I know this doesn't sound like a huge accomplishment to anyone else, but it is to me. You see, lately I've been on a diet I like to call "too lazy to go to the store". It's not that I haven't had the money, I have foodstamps (which are wonderful by the way), but I hate going to the grocery store smelling like dirt, hay, and horses, plus I'm starving by the time I finish work and you're not supposed to go to the store hungry. But then, by the time I get home and shower and change all I want to do is eat and veg out for a while/take a nap. It's a problem.
But! Today I went on my way home. I was incredibly hungry and I didn't have a list, which are both things you are not supposed to do, but I think I did a fairly good job of not getting a huge amount or stuff that looks good now but I will never eat. I hope. I'm still having trouble mastering this whole "buy enough food to last you for a while, but not have any of it go bad" thing. I think this will be greatly remedied when I have roommates. If I buy stuff for a salad I basically have to eat it every day until it runs out or it goes bad before I can eat it all. And you can never buy just enough to make one recipe for one person. There's always leftovers and what am I going to do with one ounce of ricotta cheese? Yes, I probably should have figured out something instead of just letting it go moldy on the shelf in my fridge, but what's done is done now.
For the most part I got simple fresh ingredients to make sandwiches/wraps which is a good amount of "making something" for me. It's better than just boiling some noodles and putting canned sauce on them, but not as prohibitive (to a lazy person like me) as a whole meal recipe. I also got berries, because I had a lot of foodstamp money I knew I could spend. I am really really excited about them. I hope that I can manage not to eat them all this afternoon, but to eat them all before they go bad. Bad berries are the saddest thing, and they happen so fast!
My other huge accomplishment today was that I went to the grocery store hungry and I managed not to buy any sweets!...Sort of. I was in the bakery section oogling the doughnuts, cakes, and cupcakes for a while and thinking "I have so much money and it's not really mine..." but! I mustered all my willpower and pushed the cart away. I did, however, buy the ingredients to make cupcakes. I have decided that if I want sweet things I am going to have to work for them. I want to get better at baking, that way I feel some sort of accomplishment before I reward myself with deliciousness, plus if I have that many I am more likely to share them instead of just pig out alone in my room. Maybe. The only potential flaw in this plan is that I bought pre-made frosting. There is the slightest possibility that I might just eat that. But I'm excited about baking, so I don't think I will.
I don't know why grocery shopping is one of the hardest parts to adjust to about being an adult, but it really is. I think it is how we are raised. I grew up going with my parents to the grocery store occasionally and my job was chiefly to beg and whine for the things I wanted and see how many of them I could get, like so many young children. Our parents worried about how much and which of the real (read: boring) food stuff to get, I just argued for more fruit and cookies and the most sugary-looking cereal. And then in college I pretty much only shopped for a couple of necessities (like peanut butter) and whatever I wanted in my room that Commons didn't offer (similar to the things I whined for as a child). Now as an adult I walk into the grocery store and go "Okay. So. Real food. How does that part of the shopping go, again?" And I constantly have to stop the little voice in my head that whispers "It's your money. It's your kitchen. No one will tell you not to get that box of double stuff oreos. And maybe on your way out you should wander past the ice cream section..."
But actually, I've found that shopping for myself I get less junk food than I did when I was with my parents or the few times I did the shopping for the household. I actually feel more guilty about it. It's weird. I still usually splurge for something small, like hershey's kisses, that I can munch on occasionally to get my chocolate fix, but nothing like the ice cream and bars and whatever else we usually kept at home.
I have also discovered that the adaptations I developed for dealing with college are hurting me now in more ways than just food. Throughout school, I worked hard. I also worked a lot. This meant that the few times I didn't have classes or a huge project or anything I needed to be doing right that second, I would lay down, watch a show on Hulu or Netflix, or take a nap. Whenever I could I needed to let my brain shut off so that it could keep functioning on overdrive the rest of the time. Sort of like how people evolved to need to store up any fat they could find whenever they could because it was rare and their body needed it. Now we have it everywhere, and are giant sacks of fat. Now I have free time all over the place, I don't even work full time, but my body still thinks it needs to shut down whenever it can so I spend a lot of my days laying around, taking naps, and watching things on Netflix, even though I don't need to anymore. Actually, I could really use some mental stimulation.
Yesterday and today I've been pretty astoundingly productive for me, but I still go home afterwards and collapse. Right now is a bad example because I'm sick, so I kind of needed to, but I need to start trying to break this habit and adapt to being my own motivation to use my brain. Starting, I think, with studying for the GREs. I need to start doing it in earnest. I don't know if I'm going to apply for grad school this fall or not, but if there's any chance I am I really need to work on studying now. So. This is the plan. At least...ten minutes every other day. Yeah. That sounds good to start out with. We'll see how it goes. I also need to start working out again. Taking a break isn't helping my back as much as I thought it was, and my job is just physical enough that I don't feel like doing anything else for exercise afterwards, but not physical enough that I don't still need to. Yes. So this is the plan. That and get better at food. Starting slow. Sounds good, right team? Okay, ready, break!
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