Okay, it's happened. This week I am officially sick of living alone. Just really. Yes, it's nice to be able to wander around naked and put things wherever I want but I want roommates now. I want people to casually and spontaneously be around. I want to be able to see friends without extensive texting trying to figure out what they're doing and where they are and if it's okay if I come over. I want people to be around all the time whom I can play games with (I've started playing Magic recently and I really have been wanting a game for a couple of days but there is no one here to play with me). I want people to cook with and for. I want a real kitchen and a table and all those things that you have in real apartments. I want people around to tell me "Hey, stop watching TV shows on your computer and do something with us." or even just "Hey, watch TV shows on your computer with us." I want people who will give me outfit input (I have been this person at Maggie's place, and I miss it from college). I want to be able to casually remark upon something I see or read without having to call someone, go to someone else's house, or post it on the internet. When it's cold and snowy I want to have people be around without having to trek out into the white abyss. And I want the kind of apartment that there is any point in inviting anyone else to. Basically no one who lives in Madison has seen my place because there's very little reason for them to, and very little seating or space if they did come over.
Don't get me wrong, it's comfortable enough, it's just that I would feel so much more productive if I had a room that wasn't my bedroom to be in all day when I'm at home. I get lazy and bored and I have the internet so I spend inordinate amounts of time doing that. Not that I would necessarily be able to break this habit with a bigger place and roommates, but I could at least, when I realize I've been on Failblog or Cracked for more than an hour, get up and go into the living room, leaving my computer behind. Or call over a roommate and see what they are doing, if there's anything they want to do. I'm having trouble with the "learning to cook" project because it is just for me. So I say to myself each night "Well, I'm hungry. I could try to make a new recipe, or I could heat up noodles and put pesto on them." Fundamentally, I am easy to please with relatively bland things and willing to eat the same thing over and over again, so without anyone else's input I generally do the latter.
Most of all, I'm bored and lonely a lot of the time but also lazy. Or bored and lonely but don't want to text people every single night asking if I can come over to their place and hang out with them. I know it's strange but that just feels weird after so many years of being able to just walk up or down stairs or at the most across maybe twenty yards and find a whole bunch of people just hanging out and for it to be perfectly reasonable to drop by without asking first and just see what there is to do. I miss that so so so much. It feels much more like an imposition to have to text first and see what they're up to and ask if I can come barge in on it. Not that they mind, I know they don't, but it's just how I think. I want people to talk to and hang out with that are just here. And honestly, having my own room in a place with roommates, if the room is decently sized, will be a lot like what I do now but with people, which is excellent. Also, if my kitchen is not 10 feet from my bed, I feel like I will be able to cut down on the snacking, which would be nice.
So, I knew it would happen. I'm sick of living alone. A lot of that might be that my default when I am alone is the internet, and I am so sick of that but addicted and I need to find other things to do. But I need the internet for things like job hunting and apartment hunting. So I can't just say "I won't go on the internet today, instead I'll be productive" because being productive almost always involves going on the internet. And once I'm on, I'm on Facebook and Failbook and webcomics and then it's four hours later and I've done absolutely nothing but open a whole bunch of Craigslist tabs for potential jobs that I might apply to later.
I really hope this whole thing with Tanya and Brianna works out. The more I've been looking at places the more excited I get about it. It won't be until August which really sucks, because I have months more of living on my own and I know I can do it, I just have to try harder. But it's also the tail end of winter, the hardest time to try because everything is bleak and awful and you keep thinking it's going to be spring but then it snows all day like today.
Also, I have way too much time in my own head. My job is largely me alone with the horses and as I'm also alone at home I have far, far too much time to think and brood and worry and then little problems become large and large problems become huge and then I feel less like doing anything and it is a vicious cycle.
Long story short: Karises were not meant to be solitary creatures. But hopefully this will be like Australia and the Tortoise job, where after a couple of months I hit a wall and go "No, this is the end point, I cannot do this anymore, this sucks" (although for both of those it was 3 months and I'm only 2 months in now) and then after that I find that it's actually totally fine and I enjoy it again. So, since I have five and a half months left of this, let's hope that happens and I don't just spend all of it laying on my bed on the internet.
Maybe having more furniture would help.
No comments:
Post a Comment